Developing BPD: Part VIII – Emptiness

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

The eighth criterion: Feelings of emptiness

If your life and experience felt like it had no purpose, your life had no meaning, you have no idea who you really are, you have no relationships to comfort you or care for you, and your world was filled with pain, what would you feel?

Would you feel anything?

There was an identity in you, at first, but it was squashed. As soon as she (or he) started to emerge, they were quickly shut down, dismissed, ignored, and suppressed with a ferocity that led you to believe that whomever you were going to be must never be revealed, under any circumstances.

You have no idea how to have meaningful, caring, kind relationships, so how can you connect with anyone? How would you even do that?

Your emotions are like a tornado beating you down, all day, every day, without exception…

You are unable to cope without physically hurting yourself…

There is suicide but you hold on… for now…

What is left?

Well, pretty much what we started with, nothing.

Who we are, who we become, starts in infancy. An identity is built on values and beliefs, forming a personality, and when you have no values, and your beliefs are that you are nothing, then what else can be expected but to feel like nothing.

To feel… well, nothing.

Empty. Pointless. Purposeless. Useless.

It stands to reason that when you are given nothing, you become nothing. When you start with nothing, then there’s nothing to develop, there’s nothing to grow.

There’s just… nothing.

And so an emptiness starts to grow.

If we were told that nothing could grow into a bigger nothing, you would think it wasn’t possible, but it is. And it can.

Emptiness can grow surprisingly large, until it feels as if it permeates to our soul, and fills us with all kinds of nothing.

Except… we are not nothing. I am not nothing. You are not nothing. We never were nothing. We were always someone. Always. We just weren’t taught how to develop that.

I am here, whether I like it or not. And despite what messages were given to me as a child, I am NOT nothing. I never have been.

I am somebody. And I may not know my whole identity yet, but I am learning. I value things like honesty, and knowledge, and compassion, and kindness. And that’s just to start.

And my beliefs have moved from feeling like a nothing to maybe I could be someone. I think I could be. I am still working on it.

Having purpose can be a great and noble thing. For some people. For those of us experiencing the vast emptiness that comes with BPD, finding that purpose, let alone fulfilling it, can be a herculean task. It can overwhelm us. It can depress us. It can make us feel like who we are is confirmed as a nothing because we have no purpose.

Where do we start? What do we do? What do we look for?

Because on top of not having a purpose, we’ve never been shown how to find it when we finally do start searching for it.

First, I want to say to those who feel like they have no purpose, please go easy on yourself here. If you developed BPD, and emptiness is a symptom you experience, no matter to what degree, then there is a reason for that. And it has nothing to do with being a person with no purpose. And it has nothing to do with who you are, even if you aren’t sure of who that is yet.

It has to do with trauma, and the trauma response that formed from that, that basically left you with no skills, no sense of identity, no sense of regulation, no helpful relationships, and coping methods that helped you survive the day.

Finding some great purpose while dealing with all that? I don’t think so.

You are under no obligation to have some grand, noble, save-the-universe kind of purpose. Ever. But especially if you are in recovery, rebuilding and re-parenting. Then that is your purpose, to recover.

Previously your purpose may have been to survive the day. Maybe it still is. And if that’s your purpose, then that’s your purpose.

You can always find another purpose later. Even one grand and to save-the-world. You can have many purposes. Or you can have one. You can have twenty purposes today. And only two tomorrow. Your purpose can help everyone else, or it can be just for you.

Your purpose, should you choose to have one, does not need to follow any rules.

If you’d rather not have a purpose at all then you don’t have to have one.

Seriously.

It’s not mandatory.

For some, it helps to have. For some, it doesn’t. Do what works for you.

If finding a purpose to fill the emptiness helps you, and you can’t find a “good” purpose, I suggest you look in the mirror. Make you your purpose. Even if you’re not yet in recovery. Even if you don’t quite believe you’re worth it yet. Even if you’re still just trying to survive, then make that your purpose.

You are more than enough purpose. You are. You always have been. You always will be.

Taking care of you, whether with self-care or by surviving, you are purpose. All on its own.

The emptiness that comes with the development of BPD can feel cavernous and never-ending. It can feel like it’s the size of the Grand Canyon and deeper than the ocean. It can feel like there is nothing that could possibly fill it. Because there is nothing as huge as the gaping emptiness you feel inside.

There is one thing though.

That can fill the emptiness inside. And it may take some time and practice to develop it, but it is always there, and it always has been. It will never leave, and just needs to be nurtured in order to grow.

And that is you.

You are enough to fill that emptiness. Finding who you are, developing your identity now, discovering your values and beliefs now, is what will fill that emptiness. Or at least start to fill it.

And if you do choose the path of recovery and healing, and you are able to start regulating emotions and relationships, and suddenly the emptiness inside doesn’t feel quite as empty anymore.

And if you want, you can stop right there, and enjoy the fullness that comes from learning who you are, nurturing who you are, exploring who you are, being curious about what values and beliefs you do hold.

Not what you learned (incorrectly) as a child, but who you really are. As someone who might value things like kindness or connection or generosity or knowledge or ambition or dedication, the list goes on and on and on of what values you may hold. There is a world of values and beliefs that will not denigrate or diminish you.

They will fill you up. With every new value you discover and every new belief you develop, you will feel the emptiness becomes less and less. And you will suddenly feel like you understand the feeling of fullness. Because now there is something there.

Now, there is something there to nurture and let it grow.

Filling that emptiness will take time and practice. It won’t be easy. And it won’t happen overnight. There is a lot of building that needs to happen to get that foundation in place. But it can be done. It can. And you are worth every bit of effort and practice it takes.

If you want to start learning who you really are, you can start by discovering what values you hold. Google is a great source to start with. There are hundreds of lists of values out there. Go through them and see if anything sticks with you. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Just notice what you notice.

You don’t have to find anything right away. Keep looking. Again and again and again. Today you may not connect with anything, so try again tomorrow. Try after you’ve slept. Or try after you’ve eaten. Try looking in the morning. Try looking at night. Try looking with a trusted friend.

And if you find one then great. You don’t have to find them all right now. And one is a good place to start. Explore it. Be curious about it. Why that value?

If you have issues connecting with a value, then pick one you know is not a value you hold and explore that one. Why not that one specifically? It might lead you to something you do value.

It’s a learning process, and it can change. A value you hold this week might not be a value you hold next week. As you learn more about yourself, and what is important to you, your values may change too. And that’s okay.

Keep exploring. Always. Every chance you get. Every day.

YOU are the undiscovered territory that needs to be explored. You need to start building yourself, and see what happens.

Developing BPD: Part VII – Rage

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

The seventh criterion: Explosive anger

Okay, so this one I may need some outside help with because I don’t actually have issues with rage.

Wait, let me rephrase that. I, personally, do not rage.

I actually have many issues with rage, but it’s mostly with other people’s rage, not mine.

In fact, I rarely get angry, let alone rage. And usually when I do get angry, I cry.

My experience with rage is mostly from my mom and my brother (and later an ex-boyfriend), but mostly, and in my developing years, it was my mom and my brother.

My mom and my brother did not get angry, they raged. They raged with an expertise that made me cry without even trying. I fear rage more that I fear death because of them.

They made me so in tune to rage, that even on a packed subway or on a crowded street (pretty much anywhere), I can see someone flinch the wrong way, or hear the tone in someone’s voice start to peak, and I will automatically go on alert. It’s not exactly a skill, but it is highly tuned, thanks to my family.

So I can’t speak to how explosive rage feels as a part of BPD. It is the single criterion that I do not have.

Yay me.

Because I don’t personally rage, I don’t want to speculate on what it feels like for someone who does experience it. Or why they may have developed it. I can guess why rage would develop, but really I don’t know.

I can tell you that part of why I don’t rage is because of what I saw and experienced with my mom and my brother. The way they would rage instilled a fear in me of rage, and even anger, that I still hold to this day. It is considerably less with some of the recovery I’ve done but I can still feel a twinge of fear in my chest when anyone arounds me starts to exhibit anger.

For those who may be looking here for how explosive rage might develop I am sorry to disappoint you.

Developing BPD: Part II – Other People

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

The second criterion: Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.

This one is a lot to unpack because our experience with relationships start from the moment we are born, throughout infancy into childhood and puberty, and everything we learn about ourselves and others during this time will be the foundation of all our relationships from there onward.

Even if that foundation is built on shaky ground.

Our mothers, or caregivers, interact and engage with us, starts from the moment we are born. But what kind of interactions are they? Do they hold us? Do they snuggle us? Are they affectionate around us? Are they affectionate to us? Are they detached from us? Why are they detached from us? Do they not want to be attached to us? Are they struggling with post-partum depression, or perhaps another disorder or illness, making connection and attachment challenging?

There are countless factors that would come into play whether our mothers and fathers, or caregivers, would not connect or attach with us as newborns.

And if they aren’t attached, does that detachment and disconnection continue? For how long? Do they ever attach or connect with us? Or is the lack of connection only further perpetuated?

What about our fathers? Are they in the picture? Do they hold us? Do they snuggle us? Are they affectionate around us? Are they affectionate to us?

As we move through the stages of infancy, what happens? Are we having our needs met? What do we experience? Are we comforted? Are we neglected? Are we abused? Are we shown care and affection? Are we deprived of care and affection?

As we move from infancy, we learn of our own awareness and then the awareness of others.

When we cry, how are we treated? Do our parents comfort us? Do they come to our cribs with a smiling, engaging face? Do they frown at us? Do they come to us withdrawn and frowning or angry? Are they upset with us for crying and needing something?

If the typical response we receive when we cry, regardless of what we are crying for, is not one of engagement, care and affection, we learn pretty quickly that our experience is not going to be a positive one.

As infants, of course, we won’t be able to regulate this right away. But we will learn. We will learn how long to cry for, when to cry, and if we cry at all. Even when our needs are dire, for food or shelter, we will quickly learn when to ask for that need to be met. Whether we cry for our food, cry to be changed, cry to be held, and it will be as we grow out of infancy that we start to manage how we handle having our needs met, or not.

As we become aware of a person, typically our parents, outside of ourselves, is when we start to learn affect regulation, and mirroring what our parents are doing, or not doing.

If as toddlers, our parents still come to us in our crib or bed, and they come to us withdrawn, or upset, or mean, or they don’t come at all, we aren’t just learning anymore. Now we are reinforcing. We’re adapting, in whatever way is safest, to ignore our needs, suppress them, deny them.

And so the foundation is laid. The pattern is set.

Our own engagement with others and in response to ourselves is outlined in doing what is safest. We are now adapted to simply survive. It’s mostly a gradual process, until the day we just get it. We don’t know how we got it, we don’t understand what we are doing, we just know we need to somehow survive, and we will do that in whatever way keeps us safe until the next day.

And what of our environment? How are things around us? What happens around us? Is it an environment of care and kindness? Or are we surrounded by fighting and yelling? Are we surrounded by light or are we surrounded by dark?

Do we see our parents interact with each other kindly? Do we have any siblings? How are they treated by our parents? Are our siblings treated kindly? If other family members or friends come around, how do our parents behave then? Are they kind to anyone?

As soon as toddlers are able to learn of other people and an outside environment they are able to learn when to ask to have their needs met. Of course, they are unable to meet their own needs, and still need their parents to survive. And if that experience is that your needs don’t matter or can cause pain from violence and abuse or will result in a spectrum of abandonment from neglect, a toddler will learn faster than you think, to quickly shut down, ignore and dismiss their needs.

They will wait, hungry, soiled, cold, crying, and alone, forming a firm belief that they are a burden. They don’t matter. Their needs don’t matter. Their needs will not be met. Their needs may result in pain and injury. And yet, they still have needs.

So what is a toddler to do?

So far, they have learned that the relationship with their parents is a dysregulated, conditional, painful relationship. With or without violence it is already painful.

If mommy is in a good mood… If daddy had a bad day…

It really doesn’t take much for a young toddler brain to learn. And when this is their whole experience, all day, every day. It sets the tone for how they’re going to have difficult relationships with everyone they know.

How can they do any different when they don’t know any different? How can you have a kind, caring, affectionate relationship if you have no idea what that looks like? Or that it’s even an option?

What are we learning? Do we see our parents handle their own emotions? And how do they handle them? Do they become withdrawn? Do they become violent?

And then what of our emotions? How do they handle those? Do they ignore our emotions? Or shut them down? Do they show us that what we are feeling doesn’t matter, that our experience doesn’t matter?

What we learn here, at a very tender age, is how to handle, or not, our emotions. How to handle, or not, other people and their emotions. If we are shown that other people’s emotions are too much, too hard, or that they don’t matter, that is what we learn. And in turn, it is how we start to treat others as well.

If we see volatile, abusive, dysregulated relationships, including our own, then that is what we learn. And that is what we do. We may not become volatile or abusive ourselves because if our true nature is not to be violent or abusive then we still try to counter what we learn with who we really are, and we will try to find that balance to handle things. But because what we learn was dysregulation, we will most likely, at least, have that.

How do we learn to cope? How do we learn to show affection, or not? How do we learn to be kind, or not? How do we learn how to talk to other people, how to treat other people?

Any relationship that stems from our infancy and developing years will have an impact on us and in turn how we relate to everyone else after that, including ourselves.

Taking into account other aspects of BPD, i.e. unstable identity, unstable dysregulated emotions… etc, how can one be in a relationship if they don’t even know who they are? And I don’t just mean romantic relationships. It could be any relationship, but if you don’t know who you are how do you interact with another?

How do you treat them? How do you want them to treat you? How do you behave?

When you aren’t sure how you’re feeling, or those feelings seem to run the gamut, how do you interact with other people? What if they say something that upsets you? What if they do something harmful? What if they don’t?

You have no idea who you are and your emotions being all over the place is not helping at all. And your experience, so far, has taught you that other people are no help when it comes to regulating emotions.

Relationships are transactional and complex. Relationships require giving and taking. They require commitment and dedication. And you aren’t even sure you have that. How do you give what you don’t have? How do you take what you aren’t sure you need? How do you be there for someone else when you don’t know how? No one has been there for you before, so how are you to know what to do? What not to do?

If they offer you something, how do you take it? How do you accept concern or compassion or kindness when you’ve never seen it before let alone been offered it?

And if your emotions are all over the place, how can you talk to someone else? What if they are in a good mood, and you are not? Have you been taught how to ask for help? No. Have you been taught how to let them know you’re unhappy or in a bad mood? No.

And odds are what you were taught was not to tell anyone anything, especially about how you’re feeling.

If they are in a bad mood, and you are not, how do you handle that? You’ve never given support before, how do you do it? You’ve offered support before, but it was rejected, dismissed, ignored, mocked, you don’t want that again. You have nothing to give then.

How do you explain to another that your emotions are all over the place, you don’t even understand it yourself. You see others and they are happy for a happy reason, but your experience is different. You don’t just feel happy, you feel elated. It doesn’t match the others…

You see others sad for a sad reason, but your experience is different. You don’t just feel sad, you feel despair. It doesn’t match the others. It doesn’t match the others at all.

Does that mean there is something wrong with you?

Why are your emotions so different than the others? Why are you never in alignment with other people? There must be something wrong with you then. There has to be. You’re the only one who is all over the place.

You were never taught regulation. You were never taught correlation. You were never taught interaction. Your experience was like your emotions, all over the place.

Your “education” was all over the place, why shouldn’t your emotions be too? At least that’s consistent, if nothing else. It was consistently chaotic. Your relationships? Chaotic. Your emotions? Also chaotic. Makes sense if you think about it.

What else could your relationships do? If you don’t know how to interact with people without being dysregulated, chaotic, uncertain, even abusive or violent, what else can your relationships be, if not the same?

Of course, once you have a child, parents don’t get a chance to pause and sort out their own stuff, if they even want to that is, or start over. They don’t get an opportunity to heal their hurts. There is no break for healing yourself and pausing raising a child. The child is here now and growing and learning and the parent is going to have to try and work it out as best as they can.

Changing interpersonal interactions is tough as hell. Seriously. Even if you want to make those kind of changes in the first place, it is NOT easy. I know, because I’ve been working on it for a few years now.

Realizing that everyone behaves based on their own identities, traumatized or not, is not always easy to realize let alone interact with; not falling into old patterns of not listening, not responding, slamming doors, yelling insults, and shutting down is tough. Just not knowing how to interact can lead to further detachment, disconnection, and solitude.

Relationships are just too hard. They come with so many caveats, and most of them you don’t know or understand. And without even trying you perpetuate your own disconnection.

But it’s not a lost cause. YOU are not a lost cause. Not being taught what you needed in order to have (relatively) stable relationships with yourself and others is a learned experience that can be re-taught and re-learned.

The pathways are well-worn to be sure but that does not mean that new pathways can’t be created. Because they can. It does take work, you are up against a well-ingrained history so it won’t happen overnight. It will take practice. A LOT of practice. At re-wiring and re-learning that which should have been taught to you before.

Learning how to talk to people, how to handle your own emotions, how to handle other people and their emotions is VERY hard work.

The first step is realizing that this isn’t your fault. You are NOT broken. You were never broken. You were misinformed. GREATLY MISINFORMED. You were supposed to be taught differently, and you weren’t. That isn’t your fault.

It might be easy to blame your parents, since they were responsible for teaching you, and if that’s where you are, then that’s where you are. I blamed my own mother for many, many years. I am only now coming to a place of understanding that she had her own trauma, and that’s why she taught me what she did.

Unfortunately I can’t change what happened then, I can change what happens now though. So blame or not, it’s up to me now.

DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) has been instrumental in helping me better manage my emotions, and in turn how I deal with other people. I am still working on the Interpersonal Skills but the emotional regulation has at least given me a running start.

DBT has helped me find less destructive ways of interacting with other people. It has given me a pause. A pause before I act. Thinking before I speak. Taking into account where I am coming from, as well as where the other person might be coming from.

Having an awareness of what my words can do has helped me move from reacting to responding. Taking that pause has made a world of difference because you can’t unsay something you have said. You can’t unhear what you’ve heard. You can’t unknow what you know now.

You can apologize of course but sometimes words can hurt even with apologies. Some things stay with you.

I don’t want to hurt someone I care about. I don’t want to say something that I can’t take back. I know how it feels to be insulted. I know how it feels to have words pierce your heart like a knife. I know how it feels to know something you never wanted to know. And I don’t want to do that to others. Not anymore.

I am still learning how to become more aware of what I say and what I do, and it took me a looooooong time to get to this point.

My hope is that my interpersonal skills will improve the more I learn and re-learn.

Developing BPD: Part I – Who Am I?

The first criterion: Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity

Children are natural explorers. They are constantly asking questions, being curious, and wanting to know everything about everything. It’s how they learn, about their world, about themselves, and about others around them. How else can a child learn anything about anything without doing some exploring and asking some questions?

And as children, that natural curiosity should be encouraged by our parents or caregivers. We are supposed to be encouraged to be ourselves and discover the world. And in the midst of that process of discovering, we also discover ourselves, and at least, the beginning of who we might be.

We learn a lot from our parents/caregivers, whether it’s good or bad. We learn how to respond to emotions and physical sensations by mirroring what others (usually our parents) did. We see how they respond when something goes wrong. We see how they respond when something goes right. We see how they respond when someone yells or is angry with them. We see how they respond when a crisis comes up. We see how they respond when someone offers affection, or how they give affection to others. We see how they respond when they take care of something. We see how they respond when they don’t take care of something. And we learn.

We learn A LOT.

And meshed into that learning, who we are starts to emerge. Sometimes who we are is aligned with what we are learning, and sometimes it isn’t. And if who we are is counter to what we are learning then what do we do? Confusion sets in, and we don’t know what to do next.

For example, let’s say we are a child walking down the street one day with our parent or caregiver, and we trip and fall and scrape our knee. We start to cry and get upset. We seek comfort and concern for our scare of falling down and the pain of scraping our knee.

But, what if what we get is, our parent or caregiver gets angry with us, and yells at us, calling us clumsy, or telling us that we should be more careful, or even calling us names like stupid? What if the comfort we seek is not there? What if the soothing we seek are instead insults and being dismissed?

And so we learn.

We learn that falling is not something that brings affection or kindness. We learn that falling means we will be yelled at and we will be called names. We learn that getting hurt does not result in care or affection or even kindness. We will not be cared for. We will not be comforted. We will not be helped.

And so we have learned.

And every time it happens, we learn.

Every time we are not soothed, we learn. Every time we are not comforted, we learn. Every time we are dismissed we learn. Every time we are insulted, we learn.

Like I said, we learn A LOT.

But then, the learning continues… because what about when we see another person fall? And our response to that person is different from what we’ve learned? Uh oh. Our response, from deep inside, feels different than what mommy’s was. We don’t want to yell at another. We don’t want to call the person who fell any insults or names. We want to help them. We want to comfort them. We want to ask if they are okay.

Can that be right?

As children we don’t have the capacity yet to know that this concerned person is really who we are. We don’t have the capacity to know that our feelings are valid and that how we respond is who we are. That we don’t have to be the way mommy and daddy are. That maybe their response is the one that is hurtful and harmful. We don’t know that they are just people, responding based on their own identity as well.

So we stop, and we wonder… am I wrong?

How we are feeling is counter to what we learned. And our parents or caregivers are the teachers, so they know more than we do, don’t they? Maybe who we are is wrong? If that’s not how mommy responds then I must be doing it wrong.

And when what we are taught – for any number of things in life – is counter to how we feel about it, then we start to question all of it. If mommy and daddy respond to this differently, or they handle that differently than how I feel to respond, then what do I do? I don’t know that I can be myself. I don’t even really know who myself is yet. I don’t know that my feelings matter. I don’t know that being different is okay. I don’t know that there is another way. I don’t know that there are many other ways than the one our parents have shown us. And it’s not like I can ask.

If, as children, we even had the capacity to ask, would we? What would we say? “Hey mom, I want to help this person who fell. That’s different than how you were responding, is that okay? Can I go ahead and be different than you are?”

As children, would we ever think to question the powers that be? I certainly wouldn’t have. And even if I had thought to question, there’s no way in hell I would have because that would probably get me slapped.

Another reason to keep quiet.

Maybe who I am is wrong? If mommy does it this way, or responds this way, and she knows everything, then I must be wrong.

And let’s say one day you did respond differently, and you helped someone who fell, what if your parent or caregiver responds negatively to that? They yell at you for offering help. You don’t know how to help. You’re too stupid to help. You’re too young to know anything. What is wrong with you? And so on…

Now what? We tried to follow our hearts and look where it got us? We tried to be ourselves and look where it got us? Look what it taught us.

Lesson: Don’t help other people. Don’t be kind. Don’t concern yourself with others. Don’t be compassionate. Don’t think for yourself. Don’t follow your heart. Your feelings don’t matter. What you did was wrong. Who you are is wrong… Pick one.

Children’s thinking is not that complex yet, so we will black and white the situation. We don’t know any different. We don’t know there are myriad reasons for why we respond differently than someone else does. Even if that someone else is mommy or daddy.

We don’t think “Oh, maybe, we are being taught wrong?” or “There’s no chance in hell my parents are wrong.” So I am wrong. I must be. There obviously is no other explanation.

Except when who we are is wrong, and we can’t help how we feel, but we aren’t them either. We aren’t mommy and we aren’t daddy. We don’t respond the way they do. We don’t want to. That’s not us.

If we aren’t them? And who we are is wrong? Then who are we?

Enter, unstable identity.

Sadly, it does not take much for a child to learn to internalize their world, and suppress the person they may become in an effort to match our parents or caregivers, and remain in the favour by being like them.

How can you even explore who you really are if right from the start you are taught to counter to that? We are naturally ourselves, whomever we may be. We’re just born the way we are. And what if what we are taught is opposite to that? What if we are taught not to question? What if we are taught not to explore? What if we are taught that how we feel about life so far is all wrong? What if we are taught that how we respond is wrong? Then how do we develop ourselves? How do we learn who we really are? How do we develop who we are? How do we even know who we are let alone develop it?

If we are not encouraged to be ourselves then how do we develop who our self is? If we are insulted or harmed when we are ourselves, then who should we be? What “me” can we be so that we don’t get insulted or harmed? Even if that “me” isn’t really me? And how do you develop something that isn’t in us to start with? How do you develop or nurture something that isn’t yours?

And if, like me, this is how it was from childhood, then developing our identity, whomever that may have been, has almost no chance.

But we need an identity. Everyone has an identity. We want one too. We need one too. It’s who we are. And so we search…

We will spend years searching. Trying on different ones. Not knowing which one of what, we are. Not knowing why this one feels right, but this one doesn’t. Not knowing how to develop it. Not trusting it. Not understanding it.

We will ache to know who we are, but how? We will feel the weight of our past and our trauma with everything we think, everything we feel, and everything we do. Is that who we are?

But then, even that doesn’t feel quite right.

An identity starts by being formed from our beliefs, our values, and then our thoughts and actions are governed from that. But we don’t know what our values are? We know what our parents values are, and they don’t totally mesh with how we feel.

Our thoughts are muddled to the point of believing that who we are is wrong because how we feel so far has differed from our parents, and we have no idea that that is actually okay. Except it’s not allowed let alone encouraged to be different than our parents so where does that leave us?

How do create an identity when we have no idea what our values are? How do we develop our identities when our thoughts and our actions have thus far been counter to how we feel?

It’s all false. It’s all projected. It’s all someone else’s.

When who we are has been suppressed, how do we find ourselves again?

For myself, I can only guess what kind of person I would have been had I been allowed to explore and trust who I was. I believe that there were always some inkling of who I was hanging around, otherwise why would certain things have felt right, and certain things didn’t.

But I wasn’t not given the chance to explore that. I wasn’t given the chance to develop whatever may have been there right from the start.

And that’s not to say that I can’t find an identity now. Because I can. Would it be the person I would have been? Who knows? Probably not. As unfortunate as it is that I wasn’t able to develop my own identity from the start, so too is that that identity is pretty much gone by now.

There will be slivers of her somewhere in there because I think some things have stayed with me despite being suppressed for many years. I think there are some values that I always had. And now, I will just have to find it, bring it back and give it some life.

If, like me, your own identity feels long lost and forgotten, it may be time for you to start creating your own identity now too. One good thing about developing an identity now is that you can be whomever you want to be.

If you want to be a kind, caring, compassionate person, there is still time to bring that to life. If you want to be curious and explorative, there’s time for that too. If you want to be more introverted then you can develop that too. It’s not quite a blank slate, but it’s as close as you’ll ever come to having one.

And it may be painful to discover who you really are now. It will surely take time and practice. Some thing will fit, and some things won’t. Some things will seem good, and some things won’t. Same as if you had learned your identity as a child. Not everything would have been sunshine and rainbows then either.

But finding your own identity is important, no matter who you turn out to be. You deserve to be yourself, no matter who that is. No matter how long you’ve been without an identity of your own, no matter what anyone tried to take from you, NOW is the time to take it back, and mould it to who you want to be.

You have always been entitled to your own identity. And even if it takes a while to find that person, you deserve to know.

Where I started was with Google. I had no idea what even made up an identity, let alone developing one. So I actually typed into Google search, “what makes up an identity?”

I had no idea there would be so many schools of thought on what makes an identity. The gist that I took from what I read is that an identity, to start, is based on your values. It is your values that dictate your behaviour and actions and a lot of times, your thoughts as well – since thought thought often becomes actions and behaviours.

For example, I value truth and honesty. Part of this stems from the lies and dishonesty that I grew up with. Honestly, I’m not sure how much I would value truth and honesty if it hadn’t been for my upbringing. So if you find some values stem from your own trauma, that’s okay too.

And because I value truth and honesty, it very much dictates a lot of how I act with myself and with others. It’s very important to me. And I learned that from going through a list of values.

Learning what some of my values are was not an easy undertaking. What are values that I believe in right now? I had no idea. Honestly. I read through the lists of values I found online and through DBT, and couldn’t relate to any of them.

Maybe I didn’t have any values? But that didn’t seem right either.

I had beliefs, like, I believed I was a failure. I believed I was nothing. I believed I was always wrong. I believed that no one cared about me and that that was a deserved place to be.

Last time I checked the list of values didn’t have failure on it. But I knew what I valued in others was honesty. Because of my trauma, I knew what I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t want lies and dishonesty. I didn’t want cruelty and insults. I didn’t want to be dismissed.

So I started there, with what I didn’t want. And the first thing I realized I valued was truth and honesty. That was a success for me because it meant I did have values. At least I had one value.

And if I had one value, I probably had others too, I just needed to uncover them as well.

I posted a list of values at the end of this post if you’re looking for some values of your own.

Take your time with this. Mark whatever feels right for you, and add any that might not be listed. Go over it in the daytime. Go over it at nighttime. Go over it on a weekday. Go over it on a weekend. Go over it when you feel good. Go over it when you feel unwell. Go over it again and again and again, and see what sticks.

Whatever feels like it works for you, then make a note of it. If it’s something you want to aspire to do or be, mark that off too. If something fits one day and it doesn’t fit the next day, then take it off. And even if it seems like nothing jumps out at you the first few times you read the list, that’s okay.

It will take some time and practice to peel back the layers of who you had to become to find who you really are.

This is a great place to start. Learn what you believe in. NOT what trauma has taught you. NOT what BPD tells you. NOT what ED might tell you. NOT what depression tells you. NOT what anxiety tells you.

That is NOT the real you. That is the you that developed from trauma and BPD, among other things. It is who you had to become to survive. As messed up as it is and was, it is NOT the real you.

The real you is underneath that. The real you IS there. We just need to bring it to the front again. We need to give it space to come out again. And we need to nourish it when it is there. Starting with your true values.

What do you believe in? What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of person do you feel attracted to non-romantically or romantically? When all the trauma and BPD are stripped away, what is it that you believe? What kind of morals do you want to have? What do you want your behaviour to be governed by?

Explore whatever you choose. Be curious. Try to explore why you chose the values you did. How can you nurture those values? How can you make those values a priority for you today?

If you’re having trouble getting started, or it seems like there is nothing good about you, maybe ask a trusted friend or loved one for help. Most of the time others see the good in us when we don’t. Ask them what they might choose for you and why.

For myself, I started perusing this list about two years ago, and I am still modifying it. Take your time. Give it space. Explore. Be curious. Do NOW the exploring you weren’t able to do as a child. Explore the world NOW. There is no timeline for this. You’ll find what you need when you need it.

It’s YOUR identity, do what YOU need to do.

Here’s a list (it’s pretty long) to get you started…

Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life, etc
Accomplishment
Acknowledgment
Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences
Art
Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want
Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself
Authority
Autonomy
Balance
Belonging
Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture, or cultivate beauty in myself, others, the environment, etc.
Caring: to be caring towards myself, others, the environment, etc.
Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, improve
Change
Collaboration
Communication
Community
Compassion: to act with kindness towards those who are suffering
Competency
Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing, and be fully present with others
Contribution: to contribute, help, assist, or make a positive difference to myself or other
Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations
Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others
Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty
Creativity: to be creative or innovative
Culture
Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded and interested; to explore and discover
Directness
Determination
Decisiveness
Diversity
Elegance
Empowerment
Encouragement: to encourage and reward behaviour that I value in myself or others
Equality: to treat others as equal to myself, and vice versa
Excellence
Expertise
Fairness: to be fair to myself or others
Faith
Fame
Family
Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances
Focus
Forgiveness: to be forgiving towards myself or others
Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise
Friendship
Fun
Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving, to myself or others
Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others and life
Growth
Happiness
Harmony
Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others
Humour: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life
Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves
Independence: to be self-supportive, and choose my own way of doing things
Industry: to be industrious, hard-working, dedicated
Innovation
Intimacy: to open up, reveal, and share myself (as I choose) – emotionally or physically – in my close, personal relationships
Integrity
Justice: to uphold justice and fairness
Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself or others
Knowledge
Leadership
Learning
Love: to act lovingly or affectionately towards myself or others
Loyalty
Mastery
Meaningful Work
Music
Nature
Nurturing
Open-mindedness: to think things through, see things from other’s point of view, and weigh evidence fairly
Optimism
Order: to be orderly and organized
Patience: to wait calmly for what I want
Participation
Partnership
Peace
Performance
Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties
Pleasure
Power: to strongly influence or wield authority over others
Privacy
Prestige
Productivity
Quality
Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking
Recognition
Relationships
Reliable
Respect: to be respectful towards myself or others; to be polite, considerate and show positive regard
Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions
Risk-taking
Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself and others
Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions
Self-care: to look after my health and well-being, and get my needs met
Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals
Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills, character, or life experience
Self-expression
Self-realization
Self-respect
Service
Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality
Sincerity
Skillfulness: to continually practice and improve my skills, and apply myself fully when using them
Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself
Stability
Status
Success
Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging, and available to myself and others
Teamwork
Tradition
Trust:
Trustworthiness: to be trustworthy, to be loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable
Truth
Variety
Vitality
Wealth
Wisdom

Deep down inside, what is important to you? What do you want your life to stand for? What sort of qualities do you want to cultivate as a person? How do you want to be in your relationships with others?

Developing BPD: A 9-Part Exploration

How does BPD develop?

I have been going through and cleaning up some of my stuff from my childhood, packing away and whatnot. And I found some old writing of mine that was a lot more revealing than I expected it to be.

It not only showed me how I was feeling and coping (or trying to) at the time, it also showed me how my BPD actually developed. In some of the writing I can see some of the traits emerging and starting to grow.

Of course, I don’t know how others develop BPD. I can only speak to my own experience. I imagine its genesis and growth for others would be as unique an experience as we are all unique. I think typically BPD develops from childhood but I also believe that nothing, when it comes to mental illness or trauma, is written in stone. I imagine there are many who developed BPD at any age.

As per the DSM-V, there are 9 symptoms or criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. And meeting at least 5 of the 9 criteria can result in a diagnosis of BPD.

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

So, those are the 9 things that doctors will look for when considering a diagnosis of BPD.

For myself, it started when I was a kid, late childhood and early teens to present. And since I not only had no diagnosis until a few years ago, let alone treatment, all the symptoms I do have, just got worse as I got older. As of four years ago, when I was diagnosed, I met 8 of the 9 criteria.

The BPD diagnosis for me was kind of a relief but the story there is for another time. I want to break down each of the criteria and explore it on its own. How it could develop? How did it develop? At least how it developed for me, though I imagine that it might be similar for others.

So, unstable identity…

The Trauma Experience

Keeping on with the theme of my last post and the brain’s one job, I wanted to talk a little about how the brain does its job, and why sometimes it feels like maybe it isn’t doing its job.

As I explained in the previous post, about the break down of the prefrontal cortex, the limbic system (amygdala and hippocampus), and then the brain stem.

The survival of us, and our species, as well as every other species on this planet, including animals, plants, and even bacteria, is pretty much the one job the brain has. “keep us alive”. And the brain’s relentless efforts are nothing to sneeze at because as destructive as some of the coping methods can be, the brain has in fact done its job, and gotten us to the next moment. It has kept us alive.

So why does the brain do this? Why doesn’t the brain search for healthier, more productive ways to survive and cope? Why does the brain take the road travelled down to the dirt, carving a crevice of bad habits into our lives?

Well, that comes down more to our environment than our brain. And by environment, I mean our caregivers. It is the job of our caregivers to teach us what they know. And by “they” I mean their brains. If what our caregiver’s brain knows is addiction, avoidance, suppression and destruction, then sadly, that is what our brains will be taught.

Unfortunately, if the caregiver brain doesn’t know how to cope or process, and then they pass that down to our brains, that can mean that right off the bat we’re gonna have some issues. And our poor brains will have a hard time.

Now the good news is, that since our brains learned the improper, incorrect, and destructive ways to cope initially. We can re-learn how to do right. We can teach our brains better, healthier, less life-destroying ways to cope and process.

It is by no means an easy process, but it can be done.

Trauma, whether it is event-specific, like a car accident or a physical assault, or chronic, like neglect or abuse, the one thing that all traumas share is their profound ability to be life-changing. Changing our behaviours, our thoughts, our beliefs, and our bodies.

And like I said, it starts with our brains.

Every time we are triggered or activated, whether it is from something real or perceived, our brains are going to what it knows, and what worked before and is applying it, over and over and over again.

Until, like a river carved into a canyon, it has been so reinforced for our brains to keep doing what we’re doing, it also now is going to be a challenge to carve a new river. A new, healthier river. A river that doesn’t leave us battered and bruised and broken as we finally come out of it.

So how does this reinforcement work? Well, it’s simple and complicated and a lightning fast process that the brain does all day, every day, without exception. Before we know it, and very much without “our” help, our brain has searched for the same or similar experiences, and when it finds a piece that feels the same, it then responds the same as it did the first time.

Because the prefrontal cortex comes offline when we get triggered or activated, we aren’t able to tell our brain that this isn’t the exact same situation. That the threat is not actually there. And that we don’t need to respond the exact same way.

This is especially evident when it comes to trauma response. When something – a smell, a look, a person, a place, a posture, a memory – triggers us, and sets are vagus activation to go, our brain assumes that we are under the same threat as before, and need to respond accordingly.

Even if the memory or trigger comes for our bodies, where trauma can be stored, our brain will still take the activation as before. This is very helpful when we actually are under threat. But when we aren’t, the effects can be devastating, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

This constant activation and familiar path can literally break us.

If you are in somewhat of disbelief that this is how our brains behave, or you would like to see it in action, then I invite you to take a look at this picture.

Obviously, this is a baby animal. But what kind of animal is it? If you know what it is that’s cool. But I’m going to assume that for the sake of this example, that you don’t.

So right now, your brain is going through its vast database of knowledge and experience for what you know about baby animals. Your brain is assessing the legs and ears, and face of the animal, trying to find any defining features or marks that can help categorize and identify what kind of animal you are looking at.

Before you are even aware of what your brain is doing to identify this animal, it has already eliminated what it isn’t. As the baby animal has no wings, then it’s not a bird. And your brain made that decision almost right away.

So now it’s going through its files, and looking at whatever features of the animal that may help to identify what it is. So you might then look at the ears, and seeing the ears are more short and rounded than pointed and long, you might deduce that it’s not a rabbit.

You notice it has a tail, but there are many animals that have a tail – puppies, kittens, raccoons, hamsters, all have tails. So your brain takes some guesses, is it a puppy? Your brain goes through the files of your mind and tries to find a memory of a newborn puppy, and it compares, is this what a newborn puppy looks like? Maybe. Depends on the breed of dog it is. So puppy then makes the list of animals it might be.

Is it a newborn kitten? You notice teeny little claws, and whiskers, and so your brain compares its files of newborn kittens to what you are seeing. And it kind of matches there too. So it could be a kitten? Now kitten makes the list of animals it might be.

But other animals have claws and whiskers too. Is it possible it could be a raccoon? Or a skunk? Or a possum? But your brain doesn’t have files of a newborn raccoon or a newborn possum, so while it’s possible that it could be one of those, you can’t tell for sure. So until they can be eliminated, raccoons, and skunks, and possums also make the list of animals it could be.

So we know it’s not a bird, and most likely not a rabbit. Your brain guesses a puppy, or a kitten, or a raccoon, or a possum, or maybe even a hamster because you know hamsters have rounded ears, and they can have a tail too. But you’ve never seen a newborn hamster, so you don’t know for certain if this is a newborn hamster or not Since you can’t eliminate it, you add it to the list of animals it could be.

Based on what you see and your personal knowledge and experience your brain does its best to make a guess.

Now, what if I were to tell you, it is none of those animals. You were right to deduce that it was not a bird or a rabbit. It also not a puppy. Nor is it a kitten. It isn’t a raccoon. Or a possum. Nor is it a hamster or a gerbil.

Now, your brain is starting to send off some warning flares, not a grave danger, “there-is-an-imminent-threat-coming” type of flare because obviously, this picture is not a threat, so your autonomic system will most likely not be activated, but still sending off “what-are-we-dealing-with” type of flares.

Your brain is going into a mini panic right now, trying to figure out what kind of animal this is because the brain likes certainty. It likes to know what it is looking at, and what it is dealing with. Even when it is just looking at a picture of a newborn animal.

The brain likes to be able to go through its many files, find a similar or identical file, and assign the animal to a category or type, so it can decide what you should do next.

And this, my friends, is what the brain is doing (or trying to do) when it comes to trauma response. It is looking for resolve, solution, process, and integration. It is looking to finally move the trauma and everything that comes with it, the story, the images, into its vast, vast archive.

Everything we do, everything we see, everything we smell, everything we touch, and everything we taste, every place we go, every person we meet, every object we encounter, every single experience of our day, this is all that the brain is doing.

It is encountering the outer world and pulling files that match so we are prepared for the experience, and the brain is confident we can handle the experience.

For the most part our days tend to be fairly similar, the routes we take to shopping or work or friends homes, are usually pretty uneventful. The people we encounter in our neighbourhood or at the grocery store might be familiar so again the brain has pulled all its files and can be confident that this excursion to the grocery store should be good. This neighbour is okay.

It is a lightning fast process that allows us to go about our day with minimal issue.

Now if the brain can’t find the same experience as before, then it will go to the next step of pooling resources, by searching all of our similar files and trying to make them work to this “new” situation or experience. What do I have that is similar to this that can work?

And if that doesn’t work then the brain starts to panic a little.

Because now we are coming up on a whole new experience that we don’t have files for, so we don’t know how to handle things, or what to expect. So the brain starts to look outward, in the environment for what may help. Trying to find something that can help. What can we learn on the fly for how to cope?

Except if there’s nothing that can help, our brain goes to the next step and that’s finding someone who can help. Because now we’ve exhausted all of our files and resources and we got nothing. It’s why we start to search for others when we are lost. Or we ask for others opinion when we can’t determine what something is.

Even with the picture of the baby animal, if your brain doesn’t have the experience on file, it will then turn to its environment and other people for help. You might even show the picture to someone else and ask if they know what it is. That’s how the brain works.

When you have had developmental/childhood trauma then your brain is just not equipped to process or problem-solve a situation, a neglected or abused brain hasn’t got the knowledge or the tools yet that come with learning and growing up that allow you to call on your resources and help you get through a situation.

You can’t tap into resources that are not there. And when it comes to trauma, turning to your environment and others for help can be dangerous at worst and useless at best, because the resources that are supposed to help you as you grow and develop are not there. And they may not even know themselves.

And so your brain becomes this fragmented place where you don’t have the proper resources to take care of yourself or are able to call on external sources to help you.

Whatever your triggers are, they have now been activated and assigned by the brain as a threat and a repeat of trauma.

And depending on what kind of trauma you are dealing with, there could be any number of triggers that your brain will go to its trauma file and before you are even aware it has triggered the trauma-response in your mind and your body.

Your autonomic system has been activated, your thoughts have zeroed in on the trauma narrative, and your body and brain have now been hijacked into the fight, flight, freeze, and finally, collapse response.

As much as these responses can be painful and paralyzing, they are what the brain knows to this point. The brain can only work with what it knows. And when all resources, internally and externally, have been exhausted, the brain gets stuck, and often, just shuts down.

That is trauma in action. That is the brain surviving and coping.

Going to what it knows, going to what is familiar, and what will move us into the next moment. What will move the story forward without killing us?

Granted, a picture of a baby animal is not life-threatening or dangerous, but what is worth noting here is how the brain responds and reacts. The pathways are essentially the same as the brain searches for familiarity and knowing the end result. Whether it’s a picture or an actual threat.

It is an exhaustive process that has been honed over millennia.

Despite how difficult it might seem to get a new healthier river to carve a newer, healthier valley, it can be done. And maybe knowing that so much of the trauma-response, the addictions, the coping, the disorders, are not your brain hurting, but actually is trying to help you, might help you to be a little kinder to yourself as you try to survive, and hopefully, try to recover.

Remember that carving a river takes time and repetition of the water flowing over the same spot before it can start to become a valley. So too will it take patience and practice to make new pathways in your brain.

That you are not in your trauma moment from before. That you can respond differently. That you can move the trauma to memory and be in this moment, instead of that one.

Be kind to yourself. Your brain is doing what it can.

For those who are still curious, or their brains are just dying to know, it is a newborn squirrel.

Feel better?

 

 

Jerk in a Vacuum

Learning about trauma has given me many insights and new perspectives. Sometimes those insights and perspectives are difficult to learn and accept, and sometimes it really helps me understand things better.

Understanding why people behave the way they do has gone a long way to me having more patience and even at times, empathy. I used to believe that people were just acting like jerks because they were jerks. And whereas that might still be true at times, it isn’t true for every time.

Sometimes when people respond harshly, rudely, even hurtfully, it’s entirely possible there is nothing more behind it then them just being jerks. Other times though, there is a reason they respond the way they do.

They may have their own trauma that has affected how they respond to people. They may have great pain and injustice in their past that has led to them to acting out, being rude, and hurting others in the present.

This by no means makes their behaviour okay, or that a person can be allowed to hurt another without consequence, but it might explain why they do it. Knowing someone else is dealing with their own pain by causing others pain doesn’t make it go away, but it might help in maybe taking it less personally. When someone lashes out from their own trauma it is rarely about the person they’ve currently hurt.

People are rarely a jerk in a vacuum.

There is usually a reason for them to act out, respond, or behave the way they do. And that reason is usually linked to trauma.

If you have suffered trauma yourself, and have been conditioned with habits or behaviours that may have protected you or helped you to cope, then you might better appreciate when someone else does it too.

We never really know what another person is going through. The everyday people that we meet, outside, on public transit, grocery shopping, even at work, or among our friends and family, may be going through, or have gone through stuff we know nothing about. The same way they may not know about us.

Having some understanding, and if possible, some empathy towards another, even if they are lashing out or being hurtful, can go a long way to not having it take us down at the same time. Because it isn’t about us.

If someone is acting like a jerk for the sake of being jerk then that’s different. And without knowing for sure it might help to not jump to conclusions right away that that’s what’s going on. What if they have been so hurt by anger that they only know anger themselves? What if they have had years, maybe even decades of injustice in their own life, and all that is all they know? What if they have only ever known pain, and that is all they know how to speak, is pain?

Try not jump to conclusions and be careful making assumptions about other people and their actions. Of course, don’t let another take you down to their level, and regardless of why they do it, their coping should never be at your expense.

Take care of you first and foremost. And try to remember that as much as you may have habits or behaviours you have used or are using to cope and survive that can be hurtful to yourself and others, so too might another. Be kind when you can.

The Power of Self-Kindness

Being kind to yourself. A novel idea. And I know it might seem like it wouldn’t make a difference, I’m here to tell you that it actually does. Seriously. I mean it, seriously. It makes a difference.

Every day for years on end I was not only unkind to myself, I was also assaultive and abusive. I would say things to myself that I would never say to another person because it was just so mean.

I told myself, on a daily basis, that I was nothing. I told myself that I was worthless and useless. I told myself that I was a giant waste of space, literally and figuratively. I would berate myself that I was a failure and that I would always be a failure.

I called myself every name under the sun, and I was relentless. I would spend hours in the day, no matter what I had done right or well, no matter what I had accomplished, it didn’t matter if I had had the best day ever, I would tell myself that I was completely and totally wrong. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was wrong. Everything I am is wrong.

I was so hostile to myself so often that I stopped recognizing genuine kindness from others, and any compliment I received would automatically be dismissed and chalked up to a fault on the part of the one complimenting me. Because there was no way I deserved or earned it. Obviously, the person had missed the giant memo of me that I was nothing.

I did not let up, even for a day, on telling myself I was an awful person.

There was nothing salvageable about me. There was nothing redeemable about me. I didn’t deserve friends or happiness. I didn’t deserve love or kindness. I didn’t deserve anything, especially anything positive. And the only thing I did feel I deserved was a life of unhappiness and pretty much anything negative should rightfully find its way to me.

And this was the only way I spoke to myself. For years. Many, many, many years.

And one day I read a tweet that really stuck with me. I don’t remember it verbatim, but the gist of it was to try and be kind to yourself, and hey, if the kindness doesn’t work you can always go back to being mean to yourself.

That stuck with me because I had never tried speaking kindly to myself. I didn’t think I deserved it, mostly though I just didn’t think it would work. And that tweet basically said to me that I had nothing to lose. I could speak kindly to myself and maybe it would make a difference, and even if it didn’t, what had I lost?

I was very familiar with suggestions and advice that had gotten me nowhere, and self-help that made utopian promises that fell flat, and often left me worse off than when I had started. So I was skeptical that being kind to myself would do anything, let alone make a positive difference.

With the words of the tweet reminding me to just give it a try, I did. And let me tell you, it is NOT easy to do. Many times I still spoke harshly to myself and didn’t realize I hadn’t been kind to myself until afterward. I hadn’t even considered it, and when I did finally realize it, it was hours or days later. And this went on for weeks before I even remembered that I wanted to try speaking kindly to myself.

Every day I had an opportunity to try this speaking kindly thing out, and it took me several more weeks of practice to finally start to remember and then try it out.

I started by trying to have patience with myself. Not positivity or kindness per se, just understanding. So for example, when I would start to have high anxiety and even into a panic attack, originally I would be so hard on myself, “what was wrong with me?”, “why couldn’t I do this?”, “I was a failure for not being able to manage this”, and so on

This is not only ineffective, it’s unnecessary, uncalled for and downright mean.

So instead of beating myself up, I started to just have some understanding, and instead, I said “okay so you’re having some anxiety, that’s okay”, “this is anxiety and you can get through this”, and the like. I would say at first I was able to do this maybe once a week at first.

Sadly, I was even hard on myself that I wasn’t being kind to myself. It was a moment of irony that just made me shake my head. I persevered because I really wanted this to work. I was so tired of being insulted and being beaten down, and by my own words. I was tired of the abuse I was self-inflicting. I had already dealt with so much up to now, I didn’t want to add myself to the list of trauma.

And so every day I made the effort to remember to be kind to myself. And slowly the tide started to turn, I went from maybe once a week to a few times a week. And after several weeks of a few tries per week, I was shocked. Because it actually was making a difference. I couldn’t believe it.

I remember the first time it really hit me, I was so close to turning to my destructive coping methods, and the urges to relegate to old behaviours were high, and they felt like they weren’t dissipating. And then I started to speak kindly to myself, that it was okay I was having urges, that didn’t mean I had to give in. That having these urges can be hard and it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. And in the end, I caved. And I coped the way I had always coped. My skills had just disappeared and I did what I had to get through.

The only difference was that this time I wasn’t abusive to myself afterward. I didn’t beat myself up. I didn’t call myself any names. I was understanding and patient with myself that I had tried to be skillful and it hadn’t been effective. I had held out for as long as I could and unfortunately, I went to the destructive coping methods. And tomorrow I would just try again.

It honestly was shocking to me. That night I didn’t go to sleep berating myself. My anxiety levels didn’t spike. I didn’t feel like crying. I didn’t feel like a failure. I didn’t feel like I should just not be here. I didn’t feel like nothing. I wasn’t all happy and over the moon either, I was just okay. Except it wasn’t “just” okay because okay for me is actually what I want. I’ve always wanted to just be okay. I’ve always wanted to somehow stop the downward spiral that inevitably followed when I tried to cope and hadn’t been able to.

And it suddenly felt like maybe I had. I suddenly felt a relief that I had never thought would happen. The hours and days where I would usually spend in darkness and hatred and self-loathing had almost evaporated. I know it actually took months of practice to get to this moment but I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I actually could be okay.

That was the day that I realized self-kindness was much more powerful than I ever thought it could be. Self-kindness actually made a difference. A BIG difference. I wouldn’t have believed it either.

No, I’d like to say that after that I was able to be kind to myself all day, every day, except I’d be lying if I did. It certainly got easier, but it wasn’t like a light switch where I suddenly do it without fail. It still took some time for me to remember, and practice to remember to do it before I fell into my old ways.

And here I am, several months or so later, and some days I still forget to be kind to myself but the tide has definitely shifted and I am no longer verbally abusive to myself, and the few times I have started to go down that road again, it almost feels like physical abuse because the words now shock and appall me.

I know it seems impossible. I know it seems pointless. It isn’t. Honestly. Give it a try. Seriously. If you are even half as verbally abusive to yourself as I was to myself, believe me, you will appreciate the change. You have nothing to lose.

For everyone out there struggling and suffering and carrying the weight of your words on your already heavy shoulders, please be kind to yourself. You do deserve it. You do. And there is no doubt in my mind it will help.

Ancient Wounds

Sometimes my psychiatrist really impresses me. How she can pick up on when something is really triggering for me, even before I realize it, is just so impressive to me. How does she know?

I’m getting better at being able to identify when I’m triggered; if I avoid talking about it, or my throat starts to ache, a sure sign I’m about to cry, then I know it’s something that needs to be addressed. But she can tell even before I start to swallow hard or my voice trails off. It’s amazing.

My last appointment she picked up on one sentence I said and then slowly peeled away the layers to what was really bothering me, and how far back the pain went. She calls these ancient wounds; when they go back to my childhood, and possibly even further considering generational trauma.

At first I didn’t think some of the stuff could go back so far and the pain so deep. I mean I knew it was deep and painful but how ingrained it really is still kind of surprises me. It goes right to my core. Right to my foundations and the fabric of my being. It’s entrenched in there, and seeing it in action still feels really new to me.

I just can’t believe how pervasive it is. It still surprises me. I’ve done a lot of therapy and had many many realizations and epiphanies and come to terms with a lot, and there are so many things I’m much more aware of, and things I have changed and improved on about myself. I’ve really come a long way.

So when, in a ten minute time span, my psychiatrist can get down into the deep, dark crevices of my past and my pain, from something seemingly so simple as one sentence, I am going to take notice. Not just because of how good she is, also because I thought a lot of that deep, dark stuff was healing and starting to get lighter.

Having an ancient wound appear feels like a setback. Like shouldn’t this stuff be resolved by now?

If I told this to my psychiatrist I can already see her face, watching me patiently as she always does, and then gently reminding me that there is a lot of my pain from my past, and some of it is really holding onto that darkness. And yes, I have done a lot of work, and I have come a long way. It’s just, I’m not done yet.

And when I consider how deep and entrenched the wounds are it seems like they could never be healed. Like trying to bridge my way across the Grand Canyon. It feels insurmountable. Especially since healing it means even if it’s only brought up momentarily to the light, it will hurt like a son of a bitch. And who would willingly want to do that? Well, me, I guess, since I did, and I am.

I’m not a big fan of dredging through the darkness of these ancient wounds, for obvious reasons, I’m glad they’re getting the chance to be healed though. Little by little, they are coming into the light. And if it means that I can get to the other side of the darkness and the pain of these wounds will be diminished, maybe even gone, then it’s worth a shot.

And thankfully I have an amazing psychiatrist who will gently remind me of that.

The Trend Known as Trauma

The word trauma seems to be tossed around a lot these days. Post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, being one of the leading reasons. And it seems like everywhere and everyone has PTSD or some other form of trauma. It can be overwhelming to hear about it and even harder to talk about it. Trauma is scary and can be so devastating to so many.

Unfortunately with widespread coverage there often comes a feeling of desensitization to the words and their meaning. The more you hear about trauma and PTSD, the more it seems to become this catch-all trend, and slowly people start to become complacent to what it means and what it does, and even feeling bored of hearing about it all the time.

But trauma is not some trend we can all forget about when the next thing comes along. Suffering trauma is serious and can be life-altering, even life-ending.

Trauma is typically associated with war and violence. And as we are now learning it affects our first-responders -firefighters, paramedics, and police- who so heroically run towards the disasters that the rest of us run away from. And the trauma that these dedicated, brave people fight, day-in and day-out, is nothing to be dismissed. They are witness to some unspeakable tragedies that we can’t even imagine. And the doctors and nurses who care for the victims of these tragedies, and so many others, are also heroes in everything they face and contend with, day-in and day-out. It is truly astounding what they endure.

The trauma that all of these professionals suffer is without question horrible and devastating. Theirs is a unique experience that the vast majority of us will never have. Whereas their traumas may include blood and guts, broken limbs and broken families, and life and death, they aren’t the only ones to suffer trauma.

One of the hardest things about trauma is that it can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. And what is a passing event for one, may become a trauma for another. It is totally subjective. Trauma can be a one-time event, or it can be repetitive exposure, or chronic to the point of becoming a part of your daily life, with the trauma occurring over and over and over again.

What’s important to remember is that trauma isn’t just about car accidents, war, and violence. It isn’t necessarily explosive or graphic. Trauma can be in someone’s words or behaviours as they speak down to you or insult you or intimidate you. It can be a threat or a near-miss. It can be in the illness that takes down you or your friend, or it can be alone in a quiet room as someone you love passes on. It can be with our families or friends, or it can be with total strangers. It can be something we saw coming or something we didn’t. It can be something that marks the world or it can be something that marks only us. And it can be something that can be seen or it can be something we will never see. Trauma can be so insidious that it isn’t until months or years later that you even are aware you have been traumatized.

Trauma doesn’t care if you’re young or old, what religion you follow, or where you work. It doesn’t care if you’ve had a good childhood or if you’ve never known your parents. It doesn’t care where you live or who your friends are. It doesn’t care if you’ve had other traumas or if this is your first. Trauma either happens or it doesn’t. Period. And it can be something big and loud, or it can be something small and quiet.

I get this can mean that trauma paints a very broad stroke, colouring almost everything, because it kind of does and that can be scary. No one wants to suffer trauma. It’s a devastating thing that can tear you apart. And as much as the trauma has ravaged your insides, it’s possible that it can be healed. And it starts with recognizing you’ve been traumatized in the first place.

For some, this first step may never be taken. It may just be too much. Everyone is different, and so is how they cope. For some, this step may be the only one they take. And for some, this may be the first step of many. It’s up to you how you proceed, or if you choose not to. Trauma is painful and talking about it can be just as painful. Be patient with yourself, whether you talk about it or not.

You don’t have to tell everyone, you just have to start with yourself, and then you can work your way out as needed. Talking about it is probably the biggest step, and most likely will be the one that will bring the most healing. It’s hard and painful and it is the only way to heal.

Keeping it to yourself will only make things worse. And if you don’t believe me, consider your own trauma that you suffer with, every day, sometimes all day, and even at night while you’re asleep. Whether you call it trauma or not. Whether you admit it out loud or not. Think of the flashbacks and difficult emotions that plague you. Think of the nightmares and dreams that haunt your sleep causing you to wake up terrified and convince you that you will never sleep soundly again. Think of the moments that fear grips you and it feels like you most certainly will have the life squeezed from your lungs. Think of the days you can’t stop thinking about it and how dark and scary all those swirling thoughts are. Think of the way your body reacts and freezes into positions so tight that your muscles ache. And then think of keeping all of that inside your one body and mind and how it is all being torn apart.

Talking to someone can help to relieve that pressure. It may not fix everything right away but it is a start. Most likely you might need to recruit some professional help, and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help, from professionals and from loved ones. Whatever you need to do. It’s your life at stake and that is worth fighting for.

The only thing worse than suffering a trauma is suffering alone. Seek support and help. And if this one person can’t help you or won’t support you then keep looking. If this one doctor isn’t listening or that doctor doesn’t believe you then find another doctor. And don’t stop until you get what you need. There is support and help out there. And you deserve to get it.

You deserve to be healed. You deserve to have your traumas healed. No matter how dark and deep they are. No matter what. You don’t need any reason or permission. You are you and you deserve to be healed. Trauma can break you, and it often does, and healing can be hard and painful, and it is possible.

To all those who have endured trauma and to all those who will, I sincerely hope you find your way to healing.