Developing BPD: Part VIII – Emptiness

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

The eighth criterion: Feelings of emptiness

If your life and experience felt like it had no purpose, your life had no meaning, you have no idea who you really are, you have no relationships to comfort you or care for you, and your world was filled with pain, what would you feel?

Would you feel anything?

There was an identity in you, at first, but it was squashed. As soon as she (or he) started to emerge, they were quickly shut down, dismissed, ignored, and suppressed with a ferocity that led you to believe that whomever you were going to be must never be revealed, under any circumstances.

You have no idea how to have meaningful, caring, kind relationships, so how can you connect with anyone? How would you even do that?

Your emotions are like a tornado beating you down, all day, every day, without exception…

You are unable to cope without physically hurting yourself…

There is suicide but you hold on… for now…

What is left?

Well, pretty much what we started with, nothing.

Who we are, who we become, starts in infancy. An identity is built on values and beliefs, forming a personality, and when you have no values, and your beliefs are that you are nothing, then what else can be expected but to feel like nothing.

To feel… well, nothing.

Empty. Pointless. Purposeless. Useless.

It stands to reason that when you are given nothing, you become nothing. When you start with nothing, then there’s nothing to develop, there’s nothing to grow.

There’s just… nothing.

And so an emptiness starts to grow.

If we were told that nothing could grow into a bigger nothing, you would think it wasn’t possible, but it is. And it can.

Emptiness can grow surprisingly large, until it feels as if it permeates to our soul, and fills us with all kinds of nothing.

Except… we are not nothing. I am not nothing. You are not nothing. We never were nothing. We were always someone. Always. We just weren’t taught how to develop that.

I am here, whether I like it or not. And despite what messages were given to me as a child, I am NOT nothing. I never have been.

I am somebody. And I may not know my whole identity yet, but I am learning. I value things like honesty, and knowledge, and compassion, and kindness. And that’s just to start.

And my beliefs have moved from feeling like a nothing to maybe I could be someone. I think I could be. I am still working on it.

Having purpose can be a great and noble thing. For some people. For those of us experiencing the vast emptiness that comes with BPD, finding that purpose, let alone fulfilling it, can be a herculean task. It can overwhelm us. It can depress us. It can make us feel like who we are is confirmed as a nothing because we have no purpose.

Where do we start? What do we do? What do we look for?

Because on top of not having a purpose, we’ve never been shown how to find it when we finally do start searching for it.

First, I want to say to those who feel like they have no purpose, please go easy on yourself here. If you developed BPD, and emptiness is a symptom you experience, no matter to what degree, then there is a reason for that. And it has nothing to do with being a person with no purpose. And it has nothing to do with who you are, even if you aren’t sure of who that is yet.

It has to do with trauma, and the trauma response that formed from that, that basically left you with no skills, no sense of identity, no sense of regulation, no helpful relationships, and coping methods that helped you survive the day.

Finding some great purpose while dealing with all that? I don’t think so.

You are under no obligation to have some grand, noble, save-the-universe kind of purpose. Ever. But especially if you are in recovery, rebuilding and re-parenting. Then that is your purpose, to recover.

Previously your purpose may have been to survive the day. Maybe it still is. And if that’s your purpose, then that’s your purpose.

You can always find another purpose later. Even one grand and to save-the-world. You can have many purposes. Or you can have one. You can have twenty purposes today. And only two tomorrow. Your purpose can help everyone else, or it can be just for you.

Your purpose, should you choose to have one, does not need to follow any rules.

If you’d rather not have a purpose at all then you don’t have to have one.

Seriously.

It’s not mandatory.

For some, it helps to have. For some, it doesn’t. Do what works for you.

If finding a purpose to fill the emptiness helps you, and you can’t find a “good” purpose, I suggest you look in the mirror. Make you your purpose. Even if you’re not yet in recovery. Even if you don’t quite believe you’re worth it yet. Even if you’re still just trying to survive, then make that your purpose.

You are more than enough purpose. You are. You always have been. You always will be.

Taking care of you, whether with self-care or by surviving, you are purpose. All on its own.

The emptiness that comes with the development of BPD can feel cavernous and never-ending. It can feel like it’s the size of the Grand Canyon and deeper than the ocean. It can feel like there is nothing that could possibly fill it. Because there is nothing as huge as the gaping emptiness you feel inside.

There is one thing though.

That can fill the emptiness inside. And it may take some time and practice to develop it, but it is always there, and it always has been. It will never leave, and just needs to be nurtured in order to grow.

And that is you.

You are enough to fill that emptiness. Finding who you are, developing your identity now, discovering your values and beliefs now, is what will fill that emptiness. Or at least start to fill it.

And if you do choose the path of recovery and healing, and you are able to start regulating emotions and relationships, and suddenly the emptiness inside doesn’t feel quite as empty anymore.

And if you want, you can stop right there, and enjoy the fullness that comes from learning who you are, nurturing who you are, exploring who you are, being curious about what values and beliefs you do hold.

Not what you learned (incorrectly) as a child, but who you really are. As someone who might value things like kindness or connection or generosity or knowledge or ambition or dedication, the list goes on and on and on of what values you may hold. There is a world of values and beliefs that will not denigrate or diminish you.

They will fill you up. With every new value you discover and every new belief you develop, you will feel the emptiness becomes less and less. And you will suddenly feel like you understand the feeling of fullness. Because now there is something there.

Now, there is something there to nurture and let it grow.

Filling that emptiness will take time and practice. It won’t be easy. And it won’t happen overnight. There is a lot of building that needs to happen to get that foundation in place. But it can be done. It can. And you are worth every bit of effort and practice it takes.

If you want to start learning who you really are, you can start by discovering what values you hold. Google is a great source to start with. There are hundreds of lists of values out there. Go through them and see if anything sticks with you. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Just notice what you notice.

You don’t have to find anything right away. Keep looking. Again and again and again. Today you may not connect with anything, so try again tomorrow. Try after you’ve slept. Or try after you’ve eaten. Try looking in the morning. Try looking at night. Try looking with a trusted friend.

And if you find one then great. You don’t have to find them all right now. And one is a good place to start. Explore it. Be curious about it. Why that value?

If you have issues connecting with a value, then pick one you know is not a value you hold and explore that one. Why not that one specifically? It might lead you to something you do value.

It’s a learning process, and it can change. A value you hold this week might not be a value you hold next week. As you learn more about yourself, and what is important to you, your values may change too. And that’s okay.

Keep exploring. Always. Every chance you get. Every day.

YOU are the undiscovered territory that needs to be explored. You need to start building yourself, and see what happens.

Developing BPD: Part VII – Rage

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

The seventh criterion: Explosive anger

Okay, so this one I may need some outside help with because I don’t actually have issues with rage.

Wait, let me rephrase that. I, personally, do not rage.

I actually have many issues with rage, but it’s mostly with other people’s rage, not mine.

In fact, I rarely get angry, let alone rage. And usually when I do get angry, I cry.

My experience with rage is mostly from my mom and my brother (and later an ex-boyfriend), but mostly, and in my developing years, it was my mom and my brother.

My mom and my brother did not get angry, they raged. They raged with an expertise that made me cry without even trying. I fear rage more that I fear death because of them.

They made me so in tune to rage, that even on a packed subway or on a crowded street (pretty much anywhere), I can see someone flinch the wrong way, or hear the tone in someone’s voice start to peak, and I will automatically go on alert. It’s not exactly a skill, but it is highly tuned, thanks to my family.

So I can’t speak to how explosive rage feels as a part of BPD. It is the single criterion that I do not have.

Yay me.

Because I don’t personally rage, I don’t want to speculate on what it feels like for someone who does experience it. Or why they may have developed it. I can guess why rage would develop, but really I don’t know.

I can tell you that part of why I don’t rage is because of what I saw and experienced with my mom and my brother. The way they would rage instilled a fear in me of rage, and even anger, that I still hold to this day. It is considerably less with some of the recovery I’ve done but I can still feel a twinge of fear in my chest when anyone arounds me starts to exhibit anger.

For those who may be looking here for how explosive rage might develop I am sorry to disappoint you.

Developing BPD: Part II – Other People

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

The second criterion: Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.

This one is a lot to unpack because our experience with relationships start from the moment we are born, throughout infancy into childhood and puberty, and everything we learn about ourselves and others during this time will be the foundation of all our relationships from there onward.

Even if that foundation is built on shaky ground.

Our mothers, or caregivers, interact and engage with us, starts from the moment we are born. But what kind of interactions are they? Do they hold us? Do they snuggle us? Are they affectionate around us? Are they affectionate to us? Are they detached from us? Why are they detached from us? Do they not want to be attached to us? Are they struggling with post-partum depression, or perhaps another disorder or illness, making connection and attachment challenging?

There are countless factors that would come into play whether our mothers and fathers, or caregivers, would not connect or attach with us as newborns.

And if they aren’t attached, does that detachment and disconnection continue? For how long? Do they ever attach or connect with us? Or is the lack of connection only further perpetuated?

What about our fathers? Are they in the picture? Do they hold us? Do they snuggle us? Are they affectionate around us? Are they affectionate to us?

As we move through the stages of infancy, what happens? Are we having our needs met? What do we experience? Are we comforted? Are we neglected? Are we abused? Are we shown care and affection? Are we deprived of care and affection?

As we move from infancy, we learn of our own awareness and then the awareness of others.

When we cry, how are we treated? Do our parents comfort us? Do they come to our cribs with a smiling, engaging face? Do they frown at us? Do they come to us withdrawn and frowning or angry? Are they upset with us for crying and needing something?

If the typical response we receive when we cry, regardless of what we are crying for, is not one of engagement, care and affection, we learn pretty quickly that our experience is not going to be a positive one.

As infants, of course, we won’t be able to regulate this right away. But we will learn. We will learn how long to cry for, when to cry, and if we cry at all. Even when our needs are dire, for food or shelter, we will quickly learn when to ask for that need to be met. Whether we cry for our food, cry to be changed, cry to be held, and it will be as we grow out of infancy that we start to manage how we handle having our needs met, or not.

As we become aware of a person, typically our parents, outside of ourselves, is when we start to learn affect regulation, and mirroring what our parents are doing, or not doing.

If as toddlers, our parents still come to us in our crib or bed, and they come to us withdrawn, or upset, or mean, or they don’t come at all, we aren’t just learning anymore. Now we are reinforcing. We’re adapting, in whatever way is safest, to ignore our needs, suppress them, deny them.

And so the foundation is laid. The pattern is set.

Our own engagement with others and in response to ourselves is outlined in doing what is safest. We are now adapted to simply survive. It’s mostly a gradual process, until the day we just get it. We don’t know how we got it, we don’t understand what we are doing, we just know we need to somehow survive, and we will do that in whatever way keeps us safe until the next day.

And what of our environment? How are things around us? What happens around us? Is it an environment of care and kindness? Or are we surrounded by fighting and yelling? Are we surrounded by light or are we surrounded by dark?

Do we see our parents interact with each other kindly? Do we have any siblings? How are they treated by our parents? Are our siblings treated kindly? If other family members or friends come around, how do our parents behave then? Are they kind to anyone?

As soon as toddlers are able to learn of other people and an outside environment they are able to learn when to ask to have their needs met. Of course, they are unable to meet their own needs, and still need their parents to survive. And if that experience is that your needs don’t matter or can cause pain from violence and abuse or will result in a spectrum of abandonment from neglect, a toddler will learn faster than you think, to quickly shut down, ignore and dismiss their needs.

They will wait, hungry, soiled, cold, crying, and alone, forming a firm belief that they are a burden. They don’t matter. Their needs don’t matter. Their needs will not be met. Their needs may result in pain and injury. And yet, they still have needs.

So what is a toddler to do?

So far, they have learned that the relationship with their parents is a dysregulated, conditional, painful relationship. With or without violence it is already painful.

If mommy is in a good mood… If daddy had a bad day…

It really doesn’t take much for a young toddler brain to learn. And when this is their whole experience, all day, every day. It sets the tone for how they’re going to have difficult relationships with everyone they know.

How can they do any different when they don’t know any different? How can you have a kind, caring, affectionate relationship if you have no idea what that looks like? Or that it’s even an option?

What are we learning? Do we see our parents handle their own emotions? And how do they handle them? Do they become withdrawn? Do they become violent?

And then what of our emotions? How do they handle those? Do they ignore our emotions? Or shut them down? Do they show us that what we are feeling doesn’t matter, that our experience doesn’t matter?

What we learn here, at a very tender age, is how to handle, or not, our emotions. How to handle, or not, other people and their emotions. If we are shown that other people’s emotions are too much, too hard, or that they don’t matter, that is what we learn. And in turn, it is how we start to treat others as well.

If we see volatile, abusive, dysregulated relationships, including our own, then that is what we learn. And that is what we do. We may not become volatile or abusive ourselves because if our true nature is not to be violent or abusive then we still try to counter what we learn with who we really are, and we will try to find that balance to handle things. But because what we learn was dysregulation, we will most likely, at least, have that.

How do we learn to cope? How do we learn to show affection, or not? How do we learn to be kind, or not? How do we learn how to talk to other people, how to treat other people?

Any relationship that stems from our infancy and developing years will have an impact on us and in turn how we relate to everyone else after that, including ourselves.

Taking into account other aspects of BPD, i.e. unstable identity, unstable dysregulated emotions… etc, how can one be in a relationship if they don’t even know who they are? And I don’t just mean romantic relationships. It could be any relationship, but if you don’t know who you are how do you interact with another?

How do you treat them? How do you want them to treat you? How do you behave?

When you aren’t sure how you’re feeling, or those feelings seem to run the gamut, how do you interact with other people? What if they say something that upsets you? What if they do something harmful? What if they don’t?

You have no idea who you are and your emotions being all over the place is not helping at all. And your experience, so far, has taught you that other people are no help when it comes to regulating emotions.

Relationships are transactional and complex. Relationships require giving and taking. They require commitment and dedication. And you aren’t even sure you have that. How do you give what you don’t have? How do you take what you aren’t sure you need? How do you be there for someone else when you don’t know how? No one has been there for you before, so how are you to know what to do? What not to do?

If they offer you something, how do you take it? How do you accept concern or compassion or kindness when you’ve never seen it before let alone been offered it?

And if your emotions are all over the place, how can you talk to someone else? What if they are in a good mood, and you are not? Have you been taught how to ask for help? No. Have you been taught how to let them know you’re unhappy or in a bad mood? No.

And odds are what you were taught was not to tell anyone anything, especially about how you’re feeling.

If they are in a bad mood, and you are not, how do you handle that? You’ve never given support before, how do you do it? You’ve offered support before, but it was rejected, dismissed, ignored, mocked, you don’t want that again. You have nothing to give then.

How do you explain to another that your emotions are all over the place, you don’t even understand it yourself. You see others and they are happy for a happy reason, but your experience is different. You don’t just feel happy, you feel elated. It doesn’t match the others…

You see others sad for a sad reason, but your experience is different. You don’t just feel sad, you feel despair. It doesn’t match the others. It doesn’t match the others at all.

Does that mean there is something wrong with you?

Why are your emotions so different than the others? Why are you never in alignment with other people? There must be something wrong with you then. There has to be. You’re the only one who is all over the place.

You were never taught regulation. You were never taught correlation. You were never taught interaction. Your experience was like your emotions, all over the place.

Your “education” was all over the place, why shouldn’t your emotions be too? At least that’s consistent, if nothing else. It was consistently chaotic. Your relationships? Chaotic. Your emotions? Also chaotic. Makes sense if you think about it.

What else could your relationships do? If you don’t know how to interact with people without being dysregulated, chaotic, uncertain, even abusive or violent, what else can your relationships be, if not the same?

Of course, once you have a child, parents don’t get a chance to pause and sort out their own stuff, if they even want to that is, or start over. They don’t get an opportunity to heal their hurts. There is no break for healing yourself and pausing raising a child. The child is here now and growing and learning and the parent is going to have to try and work it out as best as they can.

Changing interpersonal interactions is tough as hell. Seriously. Even if you want to make those kind of changes in the first place, it is NOT easy. I know, because I’ve been working on it for a few years now.

Realizing that everyone behaves based on their own identities, traumatized or not, is not always easy to realize let alone interact with; not falling into old patterns of not listening, not responding, slamming doors, yelling insults, and shutting down is tough. Just not knowing how to interact can lead to further detachment, disconnection, and solitude.

Relationships are just too hard. They come with so many caveats, and most of them you don’t know or understand. And without even trying you perpetuate your own disconnection.

But it’s not a lost cause. YOU are not a lost cause. Not being taught what you needed in order to have (relatively) stable relationships with yourself and others is a learned experience that can be re-taught and re-learned.

The pathways are well-worn to be sure but that does not mean that new pathways can’t be created. Because they can. It does take work, you are up against a well-ingrained history so it won’t happen overnight. It will take practice. A LOT of practice. At re-wiring and re-learning that which should have been taught to you before.

Learning how to talk to people, how to handle your own emotions, how to handle other people and their emotions is VERY hard work.

The first step is realizing that this isn’t your fault. You are NOT broken. You were never broken. You were misinformed. GREATLY MISINFORMED. You were supposed to be taught differently, and you weren’t. That isn’t your fault.

It might be easy to blame your parents, since they were responsible for teaching you, and if that’s where you are, then that’s where you are. I blamed my own mother for many, many years. I am only now coming to a place of understanding that she had her own trauma, and that’s why she taught me what she did.

Unfortunately I can’t change what happened then, I can change what happens now though. So blame or not, it’s up to me now.

DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) has been instrumental in helping me better manage my emotions, and in turn how I deal with other people. I am still working on the Interpersonal Skills but the emotional regulation has at least given me a running start.

DBT has helped me find less destructive ways of interacting with other people. It has given me a pause. A pause before I act. Thinking before I speak. Taking into account where I am coming from, as well as where the other person might be coming from.

Having an awareness of what my words can do has helped me move from reacting to responding. Taking that pause has made a world of difference because you can’t unsay something you have said. You can’t unhear what you’ve heard. You can’t unknow what you know now.

You can apologize of course but sometimes words can hurt even with apologies. Some things stay with you.

I don’t want to hurt someone I care about. I don’t want to say something that I can’t take back. I know how it feels to be insulted. I know how it feels to have words pierce your heart like a knife. I know how it feels to know something you never wanted to know. And I don’t want to do that to others. Not anymore.

I am still learning how to become more aware of what I say and what I do, and it took me a looooooong time to get to this point.

My hope is that my interpersonal skills will improve the more I learn and re-learn.

Developing BPD: Part I – Who Am I?

The first criterion: Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity

Children are natural explorers. They are constantly asking questions, being curious, and wanting to know everything about everything. It’s how they learn, about their world, about themselves, and about others around them. How else can a child learn anything about anything without doing some exploring and asking some questions?

And as children, that natural curiosity should be encouraged by our parents or caregivers. We are supposed to be encouraged to be ourselves and discover the world. And in the midst of that process of discovering, we also discover ourselves, and at least, the beginning of who we might be.

We learn a lot from our parents/caregivers, whether it’s good or bad. We learn how to respond to emotions and physical sensations by mirroring what others (usually our parents) did. We see how they respond when something goes wrong. We see how they respond when something goes right. We see how they respond when someone yells or is angry with them. We see how they respond when a crisis comes up. We see how they respond when someone offers affection, or how they give affection to others. We see how they respond when they take care of something. We see how they respond when they don’t take care of something. And we learn.

We learn A LOT.

And meshed into that learning, who we are starts to emerge. Sometimes who we are is aligned with what we are learning, and sometimes it isn’t. And if who we are is counter to what we are learning then what do we do? Confusion sets in, and we don’t know what to do next.

For example, let’s say we are a child walking down the street one day with our parent or caregiver, and we trip and fall and scrape our knee. We start to cry and get upset. We seek comfort and concern for our scare of falling down and the pain of scraping our knee.

But, what if what we get is, our parent or caregiver gets angry with us, and yells at us, calling us clumsy, or telling us that we should be more careful, or even calling us names like stupid? What if the comfort we seek is not there? What if the soothing we seek are instead insults and being dismissed?

And so we learn.

We learn that falling is not something that brings affection or kindness. We learn that falling means we will be yelled at and we will be called names. We learn that getting hurt does not result in care or affection or even kindness. We will not be cared for. We will not be comforted. We will not be helped.

And so we have learned.

And every time it happens, we learn.

Every time we are not soothed, we learn. Every time we are not comforted, we learn. Every time we are dismissed we learn. Every time we are insulted, we learn.

Like I said, we learn A LOT.

But then, the learning continues… because what about when we see another person fall? And our response to that person is different from what we’ve learned? Uh oh. Our response, from deep inside, feels different than what mommy’s was. We don’t want to yell at another. We don’t want to call the person who fell any insults or names. We want to help them. We want to comfort them. We want to ask if they are okay.

Can that be right?

As children we don’t have the capacity yet to know that this concerned person is really who we are. We don’t have the capacity to know that our feelings are valid and that how we respond is who we are. That we don’t have to be the way mommy and daddy are. That maybe their response is the one that is hurtful and harmful. We don’t know that they are just people, responding based on their own identity as well.

So we stop, and we wonder… am I wrong?

How we are feeling is counter to what we learned. And our parents or caregivers are the teachers, so they know more than we do, don’t they? Maybe who we are is wrong? If that’s not how mommy responds then I must be doing it wrong.

And when what we are taught – for any number of things in life – is counter to how we feel about it, then we start to question all of it. If mommy and daddy respond to this differently, or they handle that differently than how I feel to respond, then what do I do? I don’t know that I can be myself. I don’t even really know who myself is yet. I don’t know that my feelings matter. I don’t know that being different is okay. I don’t know that there is another way. I don’t know that there are many other ways than the one our parents have shown us. And it’s not like I can ask.

If, as children, we even had the capacity to ask, would we? What would we say? “Hey mom, I want to help this person who fell. That’s different than how you were responding, is that okay? Can I go ahead and be different than you are?”

As children, would we ever think to question the powers that be? I certainly wouldn’t have. And even if I had thought to question, there’s no way in hell I would have because that would probably get me slapped.

Another reason to keep quiet.

Maybe who I am is wrong? If mommy does it this way, or responds this way, and she knows everything, then I must be wrong.

And let’s say one day you did respond differently, and you helped someone who fell, what if your parent or caregiver responds negatively to that? They yell at you for offering help. You don’t know how to help. You’re too stupid to help. You’re too young to know anything. What is wrong with you? And so on…

Now what? We tried to follow our hearts and look where it got us? We tried to be ourselves and look where it got us? Look what it taught us.

Lesson: Don’t help other people. Don’t be kind. Don’t concern yourself with others. Don’t be compassionate. Don’t think for yourself. Don’t follow your heart. Your feelings don’t matter. What you did was wrong. Who you are is wrong… Pick one.

Children’s thinking is not that complex yet, so we will black and white the situation. We don’t know any different. We don’t know there are myriad reasons for why we respond differently than someone else does. Even if that someone else is mommy or daddy.

We don’t think “Oh, maybe, we are being taught wrong?” or “There’s no chance in hell my parents are wrong.” So I am wrong. I must be. There obviously is no other explanation.

Except when who we are is wrong, and we can’t help how we feel, but we aren’t them either. We aren’t mommy and we aren’t daddy. We don’t respond the way they do. We don’t want to. That’s not us.

If we aren’t them? And who we are is wrong? Then who are we?

Enter, unstable identity.

Sadly, it does not take much for a child to learn to internalize their world, and suppress the person they may become in an effort to match our parents or caregivers, and remain in the favour by being like them.

How can you even explore who you really are if right from the start you are taught to counter to that? We are naturally ourselves, whomever we may be. We’re just born the way we are. And what if what we are taught is opposite to that? What if we are taught not to question? What if we are taught not to explore? What if we are taught that how we feel about life so far is all wrong? What if we are taught that how we respond is wrong? Then how do we develop ourselves? How do we learn who we really are? How do we develop who we are? How do we even know who we are let alone develop it?

If we are not encouraged to be ourselves then how do we develop who our self is? If we are insulted or harmed when we are ourselves, then who should we be? What “me” can we be so that we don’t get insulted or harmed? Even if that “me” isn’t really me? And how do you develop something that isn’t in us to start with? How do you develop or nurture something that isn’t yours?

And if, like me, this is how it was from childhood, then developing our identity, whomever that may have been, has almost no chance.

But we need an identity. Everyone has an identity. We want one too. We need one too. It’s who we are. And so we search…

We will spend years searching. Trying on different ones. Not knowing which one of what, we are. Not knowing why this one feels right, but this one doesn’t. Not knowing how to develop it. Not trusting it. Not understanding it.

We will ache to know who we are, but how? We will feel the weight of our past and our trauma with everything we think, everything we feel, and everything we do. Is that who we are?

But then, even that doesn’t feel quite right.

An identity starts by being formed from our beliefs, our values, and then our thoughts and actions are governed from that. But we don’t know what our values are? We know what our parents values are, and they don’t totally mesh with how we feel.

Our thoughts are muddled to the point of believing that who we are is wrong because how we feel so far has differed from our parents, and we have no idea that that is actually okay. Except it’s not allowed let alone encouraged to be different than our parents so where does that leave us?

How do create an identity when we have no idea what our values are? How do we develop our identities when our thoughts and our actions have thus far been counter to how we feel?

It’s all false. It’s all projected. It’s all someone else’s.

When who we are has been suppressed, how do we find ourselves again?

For myself, I can only guess what kind of person I would have been had I been allowed to explore and trust who I was. I believe that there were always some inkling of who I was hanging around, otherwise why would certain things have felt right, and certain things didn’t.

But I wasn’t not given the chance to explore that. I wasn’t given the chance to develop whatever may have been there right from the start.

And that’s not to say that I can’t find an identity now. Because I can. Would it be the person I would have been? Who knows? Probably not. As unfortunate as it is that I wasn’t able to develop my own identity from the start, so too is that that identity is pretty much gone by now.

There will be slivers of her somewhere in there because I think some things have stayed with me despite being suppressed for many years. I think there are some values that I always had. And now, I will just have to find it, bring it back and give it some life.

If, like me, your own identity feels long lost and forgotten, it may be time for you to start creating your own identity now too. One good thing about developing an identity now is that you can be whomever you want to be.

If you want to be a kind, caring, compassionate person, there is still time to bring that to life. If you want to be curious and explorative, there’s time for that too. If you want to be more introverted then you can develop that too. It’s not quite a blank slate, but it’s as close as you’ll ever come to having one.

And it may be painful to discover who you really are now. It will surely take time and practice. Some thing will fit, and some things won’t. Some things will seem good, and some things won’t. Same as if you had learned your identity as a child. Not everything would have been sunshine and rainbows then either.

But finding your own identity is important, no matter who you turn out to be. You deserve to be yourself, no matter who that is. No matter how long you’ve been without an identity of your own, no matter what anyone tried to take from you, NOW is the time to take it back, and mould it to who you want to be.

You have always been entitled to your own identity. And even if it takes a while to find that person, you deserve to know.

Where I started was with Google. I had no idea what even made up an identity, let alone developing one. So I actually typed into Google search, “what makes up an identity?”

I had no idea there would be so many schools of thought on what makes an identity. The gist that I took from what I read is that an identity, to start, is based on your values. It is your values that dictate your behaviour and actions and a lot of times, your thoughts as well – since thought thought often becomes actions and behaviours.

For example, I value truth and honesty. Part of this stems from the lies and dishonesty that I grew up with. Honestly, I’m not sure how much I would value truth and honesty if it hadn’t been for my upbringing. So if you find some values stem from your own trauma, that’s okay too.

And because I value truth and honesty, it very much dictates a lot of how I act with myself and with others. It’s very important to me. And I learned that from going through a list of values.

Learning what some of my values are was not an easy undertaking. What are values that I believe in right now? I had no idea. Honestly. I read through the lists of values I found online and through DBT, and couldn’t relate to any of them.

Maybe I didn’t have any values? But that didn’t seem right either.

I had beliefs, like, I believed I was a failure. I believed I was nothing. I believed I was always wrong. I believed that no one cared about me and that that was a deserved place to be.

Last time I checked the list of values didn’t have failure on it. But I knew what I valued in others was honesty. Because of my trauma, I knew what I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t want lies and dishonesty. I didn’t want cruelty and insults. I didn’t want to be dismissed.

So I started there, with what I didn’t want. And the first thing I realized I valued was truth and honesty. That was a success for me because it meant I did have values. At least I had one value.

And if I had one value, I probably had others too, I just needed to uncover them as well.

I posted a list of values at the end of this post if you’re looking for some values of your own.

Take your time with this. Mark whatever feels right for you, and add any that might not be listed. Go over it in the daytime. Go over it at nighttime. Go over it on a weekday. Go over it on a weekend. Go over it when you feel good. Go over it when you feel unwell. Go over it again and again and again, and see what sticks.

Whatever feels like it works for you, then make a note of it. If it’s something you want to aspire to do or be, mark that off too. If something fits one day and it doesn’t fit the next day, then take it off. And even if it seems like nothing jumps out at you the first few times you read the list, that’s okay.

It will take some time and practice to peel back the layers of who you had to become to find who you really are.

This is a great place to start. Learn what you believe in. NOT what trauma has taught you. NOT what BPD tells you. NOT what ED might tell you. NOT what depression tells you. NOT what anxiety tells you.

That is NOT the real you. That is the you that developed from trauma and BPD, among other things. It is who you had to become to survive. As messed up as it is and was, it is NOT the real you.

The real you is underneath that. The real you IS there. We just need to bring it to the front again. We need to give it space to come out again. And we need to nourish it when it is there. Starting with your true values.

What do you believe in? What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of person do you feel attracted to non-romantically or romantically? When all the trauma and BPD are stripped away, what is it that you believe? What kind of morals do you want to have? What do you want your behaviour to be governed by?

Explore whatever you choose. Be curious. Try to explore why you chose the values you did. How can you nurture those values? How can you make those values a priority for you today?

If you’re having trouble getting started, or it seems like there is nothing good about you, maybe ask a trusted friend or loved one for help. Most of the time others see the good in us when we don’t. Ask them what they might choose for you and why.

For myself, I started perusing this list about two years ago, and I am still modifying it. Take your time. Give it space. Explore. Be curious. Do NOW the exploring you weren’t able to do as a child. Explore the world NOW. There is no timeline for this. You’ll find what you need when you need it.

It’s YOUR identity, do what YOU need to do.

Here’s a list (it’s pretty long) to get you started…

Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life, etc
Accomplishment
Acknowledgment
Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences
Art
Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want
Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself
Authority
Autonomy
Balance
Belonging
Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture, or cultivate beauty in myself, others, the environment, etc.
Caring: to be caring towards myself, others, the environment, etc.
Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, improve
Change
Collaboration
Communication
Community
Compassion: to act with kindness towards those who are suffering
Competency
Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing, and be fully present with others
Contribution: to contribute, help, assist, or make a positive difference to myself or other
Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations
Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others
Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty
Creativity: to be creative or innovative
Culture
Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded and interested; to explore and discover
Directness
Determination
Decisiveness
Diversity
Elegance
Empowerment
Encouragement: to encourage and reward behaviour that I value in myself or others
Equality: to treat others as equal to myself, and vice versa
Excellence
Expertise
Fairness: to be fair to myself or others
Faith
Fame
Family
Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances
Focus
Forgiveness: to be forgiving towards myself or others
Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise
Friendship
Fun
Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving, to myself or others
Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others and life
Growth
Happiness
Harmony
Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others
Humour: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life
Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves
Independence: to be self-supportive, and choose my own way of doing things
Industry: to be industrious, hard-working, dedicated
Innovation
Intimacy: to open up, reveal, and share myself (as I choose) – emotionally or physically – in my close, personal relationships
Integrity
Justice: to uphold justice and fairness
Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself or others
Knowledge
Leadership
Learning
Love: to act lovingly or affectionately towards myself or others
Loyalty
Mastery
Meaningful Work
Music
Nature
Nurturing
Open-mindedness: to think things through, see things from other’s point of view, and weigh evidence fairly
Optimism
Order: to be orderly and organized
Patience: to wait calmly for what I want
Participation
Partnership
Peace
Performance
Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties
Pleasure
Power: to strongly influence or wield authority over others
Privacy
Prestige
Productivity
Quality
Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking
Recognition
Relationships
Reliable
Respect: to be respectful towards myself or others; to be polite, considerate and show positive regard
Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions
Risk-taking
Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself and others
Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions
Self-care: to look after my health and well-being, and get my needs met
Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals
Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills, character, or life experience
Self-expression
Self-realization
Self-respect
Service
Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality
Sincerity
Skillfulness: to continually practice and improve my skills, and apply myself fully when using them
Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself
Stability
Status
Success
Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging, and available to myself and others
Teamwork
Tradition
Trust:
Trustworthiness: to be trustworthy, to be loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable
Truth
Variety
Vitality
Wealth
Wisdom

Deep down inside, what is important to you? What do you want your life to stand for? What sort of qualities do you want to cultivate as a person? How do you want to be in your relationships with others?

Developing BPD: A 9-Part Exploration

How does BPD develop?

I have been going through and cleaning up some of my stuff from my childhood, packing away and whatnot. And I found some old writing of mine that was a lot more revealing than I expected it to be.

It not only showed me how I was feeling and coping (or trying to) at the time, it also showed me how my BPD actually developed. In some of the writing I can see some of the traits emerging and starting to grow.

Of course, I don’t know how others develop BPD. I can only speak to my own experience. I imagine its genesis and growth for others would be as unique an experience as we are all unique. I think typically BPD develops from childhood but I also believe that nothing, when it comes to mental illness or trauma, is written in stone. I imagine there are many who developed BPD at any age.

As per the DSM-V, there are 9 symptoms or criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. And meeting at least 5 of the 9 criteria can result in a diagnosis of BPD.

The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:

1. Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
2. Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
3. Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
4. Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
5. Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
6. Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
7. Explosive anger.
8. Feelings of emptiness.
9. Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.

So, those are the 9 things that doctors will look for when considering a diagnosis of BPD.

For myself, it started when I was a kid, late childhood and early teens to present. And since I not only had no diagnosis until a few years ago, let alone treatment, all the symptoms I do have, just got worse as I got older. As of four years ago, when I was diagnosed, I met 8 of the 9 criteria.

The BPD diagnosis for me was kind of a relief but the story there is for another time. I want to break down each of the criteria and explore it on its own. How it could develop? How did it develop? At least how it developed for me, though I imagine that it might be similar for others.

So, unstable identity…

Giving and Receiving

I just had a realization.

I just spent about ten minutes snuggling with my little fur baby. He purred and rubbed his soft, little head against my cheek. He was curled up by my shoulder and under my neck. It was so sweet and cozy. And then he jumped down and I went to get ready to go out.

As I was getting ready the little furball came back to me. And he kept walking around me and meowing and of course I had no idea what he was saying (although that would be so cool if I did) and finally I bent over to pet him and ask him what was wrong and he responded by going up on his hind legs and with his front legs he crawled up to my shoulder where he curled into me and snuggled again as I stood back up. Actually, he more clawed than crawled but you get the idea.

And at first, I was kind of irritated because we had just snuggled a few minutes ago and I had to go out in a few minutes. What did he want from me? And as I felt him relax into me and his purr made my chest vibrate I softened to him. And then I realized that for whatever reason he just wanted more time and affection. Even though we’d had some already and he had ended it he wanted more.

I don’t know if maybe he needed comforting or what. But his need and my initial resistance to giving more gave me pause. It made me think of when I was a child and needed comforting and it wasn’t there. Or when I needed more and didn’t get it. It made me realize that sometimes giving affection and time to another is not always easy.

Some days you’re good at needing comfort, and some days you need it, and some days you need more, and whereas receiving comfort is easy to fall into, giving comfort to someone is not always easy. Especially when it’s physical comfort. Sometimes you’re not feeling very affectionate, you have your own worries and problems that are on your mind, and sometimes you just don’t have it in you to give. Sometimes you may even feel an aversion to physical contact. Which can make it hard to receive too.

But giving physical affection is not always easy. Usually, in those moments you give it because you care and someone you care about is need. And hopefully it helps and it’s done. What about when they want more? How do you give more when you don’t know how? And it hit me as my little fur ball snuggled into me that I really didn’t. I know how to give comfort but only so much. If someone needs more then I panic and resist it. I don’t know why.

It made me wonder, was that how my mom felt? Was this what she had experienced when I had needed comfort? Did she have a limit too? Did she not feel she had more to give? Did she feel she had any to give at all? Did she feel panic too when what she had given me hadn’t been enough? Did she panic when I wanted more?

As I softened with my furball, suddenly wanting to give him all the snuggles in the world, it almost made me cry. I don’t know if I was too demanding for my mom or maybe I was too needy, and for whatever reason, she only gave so much. And the idea of giving more made her shut down.

It made her say dismissive things to me. It made me believe that something was wrong with me because I had wanted more. Maybe it scared her because she didn’t know how to comfort someone else. I don’t think she knew how to comfort herself. I sincerely doubt she had ever received a lot of comfort when she was young. In fact, I know she didn’t. And as much as that affects us for when we need support, it also affects how much we can give too. I hadn’t realized that before.

So even when a pet looks to us for attention and affection if we are scared or we feel we don’t know how to give even that can push us away from it. It can push us away from giving. It certainly pushed me away. I felt bad that my sweet boy had just wanted some affection and I was put out to give it to him. Fortunately, I was starting to understand why I did it and no matter how put out I had initially felt hearing his sweet purr by my ear melted all that irritation away.

I am only recently learning how to comfort myself, and sometimes I need some outside help, and so I turn to others. Which is still really hard for me. Even with my husband, there are times where I need extra hugs and I fear to ask for it. And times where he has needed comfort and I have panicked.

I don’t quite understand the fear behind it though. Is it because giving comfort means being vulnerable? I always think that it’s receiving that makes us vulnerable but I think giving does too. Giving of yourself is not easy. It can deplete your own resources and it can take attention away from your own needs and thoughts.

Hm.

Maybe that’s why I fear it. If I give of myself will there be any left for me? What if I give too much and then there’s nothing left for me? I worry about that a lot, that there will be nothing left for me. Even when I haven’t given anything.

And as I write that I feel like this might be an ancient wound. This feels like it goes way back to my childhood and the many times I wasn’t given something in the first place. And the times I was given just enough to get by. When asking for more was met with a dismissive hand and a scolding voice. When asking for more was frowned upon and often discouraged. When I was told that I was lucky to have even gotten what I did, which sadly wasn’t as much as it sounds.

And the more that I think about it, and as I write this, I realize that it is very much rooted in my childhood and all that I wasn’t given or hadn’t received. As much as I am learning how to ask so I can receive, I think I will also need to work on being able to give as well. I don’t want to feel panic if someone needs something from me and I just shut down so I can preserve whatever is there for myself. If I am willing to receive, I need to be willing to give too.

I’m going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about this thing too. Try to work through this fear. I don’t want to be a taker and never be a giver. I know what it’s like to feel alone and need support and comfort, and if someone, especially someone I care about needs that, then I want to be able to give it and to give it without limitation.

Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off

When you have several mental disorders it can feel like being at an amusement park and being forced to go on all the rides without break. One day it’s the roller coaster, all day, and then the next day it’s a Ferris wheel that won’t stop, and the next day is the haunted house, and the next day it’s that scrambler/teacup ride, and on and on and on. No breaks, no rest, and no one monitoring how long you’re on any of the rides.

No one to slow things down or help you to stop. It’s just, all the rides, all day, and nothing else. And some of the rides I even feel stuck on for weeks at a time. Other times I feel like I’m jumping from one ride to the next. It is exhausting.

That’s how I feel a lot. That I have no breaks and no rest and no one to help me slow things down. I do have a wonderful psychiatrist but because I only see her bi-weekly right now, it feels like that’s how often a park supervisor is present to help me with all these out of control rides.

One day it’s all about depression and not being able to get out of bed, and that maybe for weeks or months. And then the anxiety grips me, sometimes it’s in addition to the depression, sometimes it’s all on its own taking me down. And then there’s the eating disorder making an appearance. And I couldn’t forget the BPD that I wouldn’t dare leave out. And then there’s the complex trauma that rears its ugly head.

I feel like there could be more that I’m missing right now as if what’s already there isn’t enough.

I guess I could be thankful that sometimes they don’t all hit me at once. Except sometimes they do. Sometimes it’s all mental illness and disorders, all day, every day, without reprieve, for months. It’s no wonder I don’t have any time for other things. Even if my interest in reading had come back, when would I find time for it?

Mental illness, whether it’s one disorder or half a dozen, is exhausting. It takes up all of the time, and all of the energy, and at the end of the day I just pray that it won’t filter into my sleep. Which sadly it does. A lot.

Having something take up your day, and night is so exhausting. It feels like this is literally all there is. Maybe there could be other things, like other people, or interests, or even self-care, except trying to figure which disorders to fit it between feels impossible.

If there was a way I could take all my mental illness and just pack it away or shelve it, just for a day or two, and get a break, and get some rest, that would be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

I am not a fan of amusement parks. In real life and in my disorders. I don’t find the rides that fun and a few of them terrify me. I just don’t know yet how to get away from them all. Not yet anyway. I sincerely hope that a break is in my future, a long break, because I won’t be able to keep this pace forever, nor do I want to.

I’m just so tired. Here’s hoping the park closes really soon.

The Hunt for an Identity

I am on a mission. To find me. To find out who I am. I have no idea where to start or even how. I just know I want to find me. I want to find out who I am.

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to share because I’m finding my way blind right now.

Developmental trauma and BPD have left me that I have no idea who I am. I think I catch slivers of the person I am and for the most part, it seems positive. Except I’m not sure if it’s me or what has become entrenched in me. And I have no idea how to tease it apart to find out. I guess that’s a question for my psychiatrist.

Note to self…ask psychiatrist.

Otherwise though how does a person find their identity? Is it even able to be “found”? Or do you create it? How do you create an identity? What makes up an identity? Maybe I should start there. What does make up an identity? Your personality? Hm. I hope not because with borderline personality disorder does that mean my personality is really borderline? And if it is, borderline to what?

The borderline in borderline personality disorder is between psychosis and neurosis so that’s not really where I want my identity to be. I don’t think it is. Or maybe it was before, it’s not where I want it to be now.

Honestly, I’m just lost. I have no idea how to find an identity. Is it something that’s already in me? If so, how do I bring it out?

I need to find out what makes an identity….so time-lapsed…I actually googled what makes an identity. And depending on which site you believe, from Wikipedia to Psychology Today, an identity can be made up of any of the following: your values, your beliefs, your culture, your ethnicity, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your history, and/or your religion.

I’m sure there are probably other things that can make up an identity but this feels like enough. Sigh. I’m not sure if having all of this info helps me or just further muddies the situation for me. Because this feels like it’s one of those things that can be subject to change depending on who you’re talking to and on what day. Like how everyone has their own idea of beauty.

This tells me that what makes up a person’s identity is relatively flexible. One thing that was pretty consistent in information was that a person’s identity typically starts to form sometime around 14 months to two years of age. So that means most of what becomes your identity is shaped by what you learn, what you see and your surroundings.

Well, if that’s true then no wonder I have no idea who I am. I was surrounded by so much uncertainty and hostility there really was no chance for a proper identity to form. I definitely did not learn to trust myself, or others. I learned that conflict is almost always solved with more conflict and/or rage and violence, and sometimes both.

I learned that problems are solved by freaking out or shutting down, or both. Followed by crying that may or may not end with a nap, and the problem actually being solved may be taken over by someone else who feels sorry for you.

I learned that being curious is a bad thing and you should never EVER ask questions. I learned that whether you’re a good person or not is totally dependent on what everyone else thinks. I learned that being emotional, or having any emotions besides rage, is a very bad thing, and anything other than rage is “too sensitive”.

I learned that crying may result in physical abuse accompanied by the threat of more physical abuse that will supposedly “give me something to cry about”. I learned that taking care of yourself is only for special occasions and holidays. And I learned that love is conditional and cannot be counted on.

All things considered, I’m frankly shocked I was able to function on any level for any lengthy period of time. If you’re not given a solid foundation to start with then how can you build anything that will hold on top of it? Without a solid foundation, everything built on top will be doomed to crumble.

I guess that explains why I never really developed an identity. At least not a proper one. And any identity I did try on never stuck. How could it? It had nothing to latch onto. Nothing reliable anyway. My identity became that crumbling structure, doing whatever I could to keep it together, slapping on duct tape and band-aid solutions wherever a crack formed, and hoping like hell it would all just stay together in one piece just a little longer.

If who I am was a crumbling structure then right now I am breaking it all down and renovating and rebuilding. Starting with the foundation. That’s where my daily self-care comes in. So maybe when my foundation is more solid I can start on my identity. And maybe this time it will be stronger and healthier because I will be stronger and healthier.

The hunt continues…

Ancient Wounds

Sometimes my psychiatrist really impresses me. How she can pick up on when something is really triggering for me, even before I realize it, is just so impressive to me. How does she know?

I’m getting better at being able to identify when I’m triggered; if I avoid talking about it, or my throat starts to ache, a sure sign I’m about to cry, then I know it’s something that needs to be addressed. But she can tell even before I start to swallow hard or my voice trails off. It’s amazing.

My last appointment she picked up on one sentence I said and then slowly peeled away the layers to what was really bothering me, and how far back the pain went. She calls these ancient wounds; when they go back to my childhood, and possibly even further considering generational trauma.

At first I didn’t think some of the stuff could go back so far and the pain so deep. I mean I knew it was deep and painful but how ingrained it really is still kind of surprises me. It goes right to my core. Right to my foundations and the fabric of my being. It’s entrenched in there, and seeing it in action still feels really new to me.

I just can’t believe how pervasive it is. It still surprises me. I’ve done a lot of therapy and had many many realizations and epiphanies and come to terms with a lot, and there are so many things I’m much more aware of, and things I have changed and improved on about myself. I’ve really come a long way.

So when, in a ten minute time span, my psychiatrist can get down into the deep, dark crevices of my past and my pain, from something seemingly so simple as one sentence, I am going to take notice. Not just because of how good she is, also because I thought a lot of that deep, dark stuff was healing and starting to get lighter.

Having an ancient wound appear feels like a setback. Like shouldn’t this stuff be resolved by now?

If I told this to my psychiatrist I can already see her face, watching me patiently as she always does, and then gently reminding me that there is a lot of my pain from my past, and some of it is really holding onto that darkness. And yes, I have done a lot of work, and I have come a long way. It’s just, I’m not done yet.

And when I consider how deep and entrenched the wounds are it seems like they could never be healed. Like trying to bridge my way across the Grand Canyon. It feels insurmountable. Especially since healing it means even if it’s only brought up momentarily to the light, it will hurt like a son of a bitch. And who would willingly want to do that? Well, me, I guess, since I did, and I am.

I’m not a big fan of dredging through the darkness of these ancient wounds, for obvious reasons, I’m glad they’re getting the chance to be healed though. Little by little, they are coming into the light. And if it means that I can get to the other side of the darkness and the pain of these wounds will be diminished, maybe even gone, then it’s worth a shot.

And thankfully I have an amazing psychiatrist who will gently remind me of that.