The current nine criteria, in no particular order, are as follows:
- Unclear and/or unstable shifting self-image/identity.
- Unstable interpersonal relationships; marked by patterns of alternating between idolization and devaluation of others.
- Mood swings that can elevate to feelings of euphoria rather than happiness and despair rather than sadness.
- Chronic impulsive and self-destructive behaviours (not including suicidal tendencies or self-harm as indicated as its own criterion) including, but not limited to: spending, sex, reckless driving or stunts, binge eating.
- Intense fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether real or perceived.
- Recurrent or patterns of self-harm, suicidal ideation and suicidal tendencies.
- Explosive anger.
- Feelings of emptiness.
- Loss of touch with reality; patterns of dissociation.
The eighth criterion: Feelings of emptiness
If your life and experience felt like it had no purpose, your life had no meaning, you have no idea who you really are, you have no relationships to comfort you or care for you, and your world was filled with pain, what would you feel?
Would you feel anything?
There was an identity in you, at first, but it was squashed. As soon as she (or he) started to emerge, they were quickly shut down, dismissed, ignored, and suppressed with a ferocity that led you to believe that whomever you were going to be must never be revealed, under any circumstances.
You have no idea how to have meaningful, caring, kind relationships, so how can you connect with anyone? How would you even do that?
Your emotions are like a tornado beating you down, all day, every day, without exception…
You are unable to cope without physically hurting yourself…
There is suicide but you hold on… for now…
What is left?
Well, pretty much what we started with, nothing.
Who we are, who we become, starts in infancy. An identity is built on values and beliefs, forming a personality, and when you have no values, and your beliefs are that you are nothing, then what else can be expected but to feel like nothing.
To feel… well, nothing.
Empty. Pointless. Purposeless. Useless.
It stands to reason that when you are given nothing, you become nothing. When you start with nothing, then there’s nothing to develop, there’s nothing to grow.
There’s just… nothing.
And so an emptiness starts to grow.
If we were told that nothing could grow into a bigger nothing, you would think it wasn’t possible, but it is. And it can.
Emptiness can grow surprisingly large, until it feels as if it permeates to our soul, and fills us with all kinds of nothing.
Except… we are not nothing. I am not nothing. You are not nothing. We never were nothing. We were always someone. Always. We just weren’t taught how to develop that.
I am here, whether I like it or not. And despite what messages were given to me as a child, I am NOT nothing. I never have been.
I am somebody. And I may not know my whole identity yet, but I am learning. I value things like honesty, and knowledge, and compassion, and kindness. And that’s just to start.
And my beliefs have moved from feeling like a nothing to maybe I could be someone. I think I could be. I am still working on it.
Having purpose can be a great and noble thing. For some people. For those of us experiencing the vast emptiness that comes with BPD, finding that purpose, let alone fulfilling it, can be a herculean task. It can overwhelm us. It can depress us. It can make us feel like who we are is confirmed as a nothing because we have no purpose.
Where do we start? What do we do? What do we look for?
Because on top of not having a purpose, we’ve never been shown how to find it when we finally do start searching for it.
First, I want to say to those who feel like they have no purpose, please go easy on yourself here. If you developed BPD, and emptiness is a symptom you experience, no matter to what degree, then there is a reason for that. And it has nothing to do with being a person with no purpose. And it has nothing to do with who you are, even if you aren’t sure of who that is yet.
It has to do with trauma, and the trauma response that formed from that, that basically left you with no skills, no sense of identity, no sense of regulation, no helpful relationships, and coping methods that helped you survive the day.
Finding some great purpose while dealing with all that? I don’t think so.
You are under no obligation to have some grand, noble, save-the-universe kind of purpose. Ever. But especially if you are in recovery, rebuilding and re-parenting. Then that is your purpose, to recover.
Previously your purpose may have been to survive the day. Maybe it still is. And if that’s your purpose, then that’s your purpose.
You can always find another purpose later. Even one grand and to save-the-world. You can have many purposes. Or you can have one. You can have twenty purposes today. And only two tomorrow. Your purpose can help everyone else, or it can be just for you.
Your purpose, should you choose to have one, does not need to follow any rules.
If you’d rather not have a purpose at all then you don’t have to have one.
Seriously.
It’s not mandatory.
For some, it helps to have. For some, it doesn’t. Do what works for you.
If finding a purpose to fill the emptiness helps you, and you can’t find a “good” purpose, I suggest you look in the mirror. Make you your purpose. Even if you’re not yet in recovery. Even if you don’t quite believe you’re worth it yet. Even if you’re still just trying to survive, then make that your purpose.
You are more than enough purpose. You are. You always have been. You always will be.
Taking care of you, whether with self-care or by surviving, you are purpose. All on its own.
The emptiness that comes with the development of BPD can feel cavernous and never-ending. It can feel like it’s the size of the Grand Canyon and deeper than the ocean. It can feel like there is nothing that could possibly fill it. Because there is nothing as huge as the gaping emptiness you feel inside.
There is one thing though.
That can fill the emptiness inside. And it may take some time and practice to develop it, but it is always there, and it always has been. It will never leave, and just needs to be nurtured in order to grow.
And that is you.
You are enough to fill that emptiness. Finding who you are, developing your identity now, discovering your values and beliefs now, is what will fill that emptiness. Or at least start to fill it.
And if you do choose the path of recovery and healing, and you are able to start regulating emotions and relationships, and suddenly the emptiness inside doesn’t feel quite as empty anymore.
And if you want, you can stop right there, and enjoy the fullness that comes from learning who you are, nurturing who you are, exploring who you are, being curious about what values and beliefs you do hold.
Not what you learned (incorrectly) as a child, but who you really are. As someone who might value things like kindness or connection or generosity or knowledge or ambition or dedication, the list goes on and on and on of what values you may hold. There is a world of values and beliefs that will not denigrate or diminish you.
They will fill you up. With every new value you discover and every new belief you develop, you will feel the emptiness becomes less and less. And you will suddenly feel like you understand the feeling of fullness. Because now there is something there.
Now, there is something there to nurture and let it grow.
Filling that emptiness will take time and practice. It won’t be easy. And it won’t happen overnight. There is a lot of building that needs to happen to get that foundation in place. But it can be done. It can. And you are worth every bit of effort and practice it takes.
If you want to start learning who you really are, you can start by discovering what values you hold. Google is a great source to start with. There are hundreds of lists of values out there. Go through them and see if anything sticks with you. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Just notice what you notice.
You don’t have to find anything right away. Keep looking. Again and again and again. Today you may not connect with anything, so try again tomorrow. Try after you’ve slept. Or try after you’ve eaten. Try looking in the morning. Try looking at night. Try looking with a trusted friend.
And if you find one then great. You don’t have to find them all right now. And one is a good place to start. Explore it. Be curious about it. Why that value?
If you have issues connecting with a value, then pick one you know is not a value you hold and explore that one. Why not that one specifically? It might lead you to something you do value.
It’s a learning process, and it can change. A value you hold this week might not be a value you hold next week. As you learn more about yourself, and what is important to you, your values may change too. And that’s okay.
Keep exploring. Always. Every chance you get. Every day.
YOU are the undiscovered territory that needs to be explored. You need to start building yourself, and see what happens.
Journey From The Borderline 