Other People Wouldn’t Be So Bad If It Wasn’t For Them Being Other People

I don’t have anything against people, per se. I really don’t. I mean there are some people I can do without, some people I can take them or leave them, and some people I really don’t like at all. They are very specific people though. And some people I really, really like. And a select few that I love.

People in general though? Ooh I don’t know about that.

I know there are some good ones out there. A lot of them though, a lot of them are not.

The thing I don’t like about other people is that they are other people, with eyes and brains; seeing me, judging me, criticizing me, excluding me, mocking me, ignoring me, and rejecting me, and a lot of times without even knowing me.

They look at me and make their assumptions and don’t consider that I have feelings, or what I’ve been through and what I’m struggling with. They don’t know me and yet they’ve already made up their mind about me. And mostly it is not positive.

Now I can’t honestly say that I never make assumptions about others as they do about me because then I’d be lying. I don’t think anyone is without moments where they were just as harsh and judgmental as others can be. I can definitely say that I’ve judged others. Probably more than I should have.

For the most part though I try very hard not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions. I try very hard not to judge or criticize and give others space and leeway that maybe what I’m seeing right now does not tell me all that I need to know about them. That it’s not really fair to assume anything about this other person when I don’t know them. I don’t know what brought them to this moment, and what they might be struggling with. I don’t know the circumstances that made this moment happen.

Some people I am much more successful at just accepting what I see and not jumping to any assumptions, and some, not so much. I do try not to though, so I’m counting that in my favour. A lot of people don’t stop and consider, they don’t stop and think, they just have their own opinions and assumptions and there is no negotiating or consideration. There mind is made up and that’s that.

When you interact with other people, even just in passing, like on public transit or shopping for groceries, means you are not only subject to how you’re feeling, how your day is going, what’s going on with you, and what brought you here, you’re also dealing with theirs too. You’re dealing with how they are feeling, how their day is going, what’s going on with them, and what brought them here. And that can be scary and uncertain.

What if they’re having a bad day? What if they’re having a hard time? What if their mood is low, or worse? What if they don’t have the capacity to consider other people at all? What if they won’t be kind? What if they judge? What if they insult? What if they hurt me?

I know this is a lot to think about and some might think it’s overthinking. Maybe it is. I can’t help that sometimes my mind goes to all of these places because so many times I haven’t considered what another might be dealing with or where they were coming from, and in the midst of it all I got hurt.

Sometimes it was because they were just being mean, plain and simple. Sometimes though, it was because they were reacting to something totally different that had nothing to do with me and I just got caught in the crossfire. Sometimes I’ve taken things very personally that weren’t about me at all. And maybe if I had considered the other person and where they’re at, I could have been spared some of the pain.

There are many out there who are just jerks. People who don’t care about another person regardless. There are many people who just act and react without thought and don’t realize the damage they might be doing. Those are the people that scare me.

I can manage if someone gives consideration to others, they give time and space, patience, even understanding to me, where I’m at, and my needs. And without being asked. Those people I’m okay with.

Sadly, there are more of the former than the latter, and that’s what keeps me from being more social than I am. That’s what keeps me home and keeps me isolated. It’s what keeps me well inside my comfort zone of people I know, and people who know me.

I’ve had more than enough of judgments and criticisms, comments and looks, wrong assumptions and harsh opinions. I’ve been insulted, mocked, criticized, judged, excluded and rejected more times than I can count. And frankly I’m good to never have any of that again. I know that’s not realistic because sadly pain can find you anywhere. I just can’t help that I feel if there’s something I can do to mitigate it from happening again, even if it means staying home and never going out, then that’s kind of okay with me.

I say kind of because I’m not 100% on the staying home and never going out because there are some people I do like, some things I love to do, and some places I really like to go, and staying home and never going out again just doesn’t work well with that. People I like, things I love, and places to go can’t all come to me. Unfortunately. So that means I would have to go out. And whether I like it or not, sometimes I need other people, and that means interacting with other people. Even if it’s only in a superficial manner.

It’s hard though. Honestly. Dealing with other people and all their stuff? That’s hard to do. At least for me it is. Wondering if the other person will be kind? Will they be considerate? Will they make assumptions about me that might be totally wrong and unfair? Will they treat me well or will they hurt me?

I feel like dealing with other people would just be easier if they weren’t other people. I deal with animals really well because they don’t bring all their baggage to every moment the way people do. Animals are great that way. People on the other hand, they have baggage. A lot of it.

I think I could handle other people better if they came with a warning or disclaimer, like as I approach them to pass them or I needed to interact with them, there was this little pop-up in my head or in front of my eyes that told me, ‘this person is a jerk, and may insult you so you may want to go a different direction’, or ‘that woman walking to the seat beside you is very kind, she won’t insult or judge you, you can remain in this seat for now’. Just a little blurb that lets me know, am I safe or not?

I don’t think that’s asking too much. Or maybe people could wear certain colours that tell you this person is safe, this person is not. That would be good. Like a hat or scarf or something, and if it’s green, then I’m safe, and if it’s red, then I’m not. And other colours could be used too, to designate ‘oh this person is safe but they’re having a bad day so you may want to be careful’. It would make my life much easier. And less anxious, I think.

Because really, that’s my goal, to have less anxiety. Much less. Being able to go out, do things, maybe even meet new people, or at least see the ones I do know (and like), without having anxiety take me down and keep me home, that’s all I want. To live and not constantly feel like I’m going to die. I hope someday I’ll get there.

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Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off

When you have several mental disorders it can feel like being at an amusement park and being forced to go on all the rides without break. One day it’s the roller coaster, all day, and then the next day it’s a Ferris wheel that won’t stop, and the next day is the haunted house, and the next day it’s that scrambler/tea cup ride, and on and on and on. No breaks, no rest, and no one monitoring how long you’re on any of the rides.

No one to slow things down or help you to stop. It’s just, all the rides, all day, and nothing else. And some of the rides I even feel stuck on for weeks at a time. Other times I feel like I’m jumping from one ride to the next. It is exhausting.

That’s how I feel a lot. That I have no breaks and no rest and no one to help me slow things down. I do have a wonderful psychiatrist but because I only see her bi-weekly right now, it feels like that’s how often a park supervisor is present to help me with all these out of control rides.

One day it’s all about depression and not being able to get out of bed, and that may be for weeks, or months. And then the anxiety grips me, sometimes it’s in addition to the depression, sometimes it’s all on its own taking me down. And then there’s the eating disorder making an appearance. And I couldn’t forget the BPD that I wouldn’t dare leave out. And then there’s the complex trauma that rears it’s ugly head.

I feel like there could be more that I’m missing right now, as if what’s already there isn’t enough.

I guess I could be thankful that sometimes they don’t all hit me at once. Except sometimes they do. Sometimes it’s all mental illness and disorders, all day, every day, without reprieve, for months. It’s no wonder I don’t have any time for other things. Even if my interest in reading had come back, when would I find time for it.

Mental illness, whether it’s one disorder or half a dozen, is exhausting. It takes up all of the time, and all of the energy, and at the end of the day I just pray that it won’t filter into my sleep. Which sadly it does. A lot.

Having something take up your day, and night, is so exhausting. It feels like this is literally all there is. Maybe there could be other things, like other people, or interests, or even self-care, except trying to figure which disorders to fit it between feels impossible.

If there was a way I could take all my mental illness and just pack it away or shelve it, just for a day or two, and get a break, and get some rest, that would be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

I am not a fan of amusement parks. In real life and in my disorders. I don’t find the rides that fun and a few of them terrify me. I just don’t know yet how to get away from them all. Not yet anyway. I sincerely hope that a break is in my future, a long break, because I won’t be able to keep this pace forever, nor do I want to.

I’m just so tired. Here’s hoping the park closes really soon.

The Hunt for an Identity

I am on a mission. To find me. To find out who I am. I have no idea where to start or even how. I just know I want to find me. I want to find out who I am.

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to share because I’m finding my way blind right now.

Developmental trauma and BPD have left me that I have no idea who I am. I think I catch slivers of the person I am and for the most part it seems positive. Except I’m not sure if it’s me or what has become entrenched in me. And I have no idea how to tease it apart to find out. I guess that’s a question for my psychiatrist.

Note to self…ask psychiatrist.

Otherwise though how does a person find their identity? Is it even able to be “found”? Or do you create it? How do you create an identity? What makes up an identity? Maybe I should start there. What does make up an identity? Your personality? Hm. I hope not because with borderline personality disorder does that mean my personality is really borderline? And if it is, borderline to what?

The borderline in borderline personality disorder is between psychosis and neurosis so that’s not really where I want my identity to be. I don’t think it is. Or maybe it was before, it’s not where I want it to be now.

Honestly, I’m just lost. I have no idea how to find an identity. Is it something that’s already in me? If so, how do I bring it out?

I need to find out what makes an identity….so time lapsed…I actually googled what makes an identity. And depending on which site you believe, from Wikipedia to Psychology Today, an identity can be made up of any of the following: your values, your beliefs, your culture, your ethnicity, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your history, and/or your religion.

I’m sure there are probably other things that can make up an identity but this feels like enough. Sigh. I’m not sure if having all of this info helps me or just further muddies the situation for me. Because this feels like it’s one of those things that can be subject to change depending on who you’re talking to and on what day. Like how everyone has their own idea of beauty.

This tells me that what makes up a persons identity is relatively flexible. One thing that was pretty consistent in information was that a person’s identity typically starts to form some time around 14 months to two years of age. So that means most of what becomes your identity is shaped by what you learn, what you see and your surroundings.

Well, if that’s true then no wonder I have no idea who I am. I was surrounded by so much uncertainty and hostility there really was no chance for a proper identity to form. I definitely did not learn to trust myself, or others. I learned that conflict is almost always solved with more conflict and/or rage and violence, and sometimes both.

I learned that problems are solved by freaking out or shutting down, or both. Followed by crying that may or may not end with a nap, and the problem actually being solved may be taken over by someone else who feels sorry for you.

I learned that being curious is a bad thing and you should never EVER ask questions. I learned that whether you’re a good person or not is totally dependent on what everyone else thinks. I learned that being emotional, or having any emotions besides rage, is a very bad thing, and anything other than rage is “too sensitive”.

I learned that crying may result in physical abuse accompanied by the threat of more physical abuse that will supposedly “give me something to cry about”. I learned that taking care of yourself is only for special occasions and holidays. And I learned that love is conditional and cannot be counted on.

All things considered I’m frankly shocked I was able to function on any level for any lengthy period of time. If you’re not given a solid foundation to start with then how can you build anything that will hold on top of it? Without a solid foundation, everything built on top will be doomed to crumble.

I guess that explains why I never really developed an identity. At least not a proper one. And any identity I did try on never stuck. How could it? It had nothing to latch onto. Nothing reliable anyway. My identity became that crumbling structure, doing whatever I could to keep it together, slapping on duct tape and band aid solutions wherever a crack formed, and hoping like hell it would all just stay together in one piece just a little longer.

If who I am was a crumbling structure then right now I am breaking it all down and renovating and rebuilding. Starting with the foundation. That’s where my daily self-care comes in. So maybe when my foundation is more solid I can start on my identity. And maybe this time it will be stronger and healthier because I will be stronger and healthier.

The hunt continues…

The Battle Continues…

Like any mental disorder or mental health struggle, there are good days and there are bad days. Even with therapy and tips and an aresenal of tools and team of supporters, there will be days where it will just be you and the disorder and nothing else. 

It’s not to say that there is no hope or that it’s a lost cause or that all the other stuff is irrelevant or pointless. It’s just that sometimes the tips aren’t going to help, the tools may not be effective, and there is only so much a supporter can do. The rest is up to you. 

It can be a scary and lonely place to face your disorder or your demons or whatever you might be struggling with all by yourself. It can feel like being locked in a room with the monsters and you will just have to figure it out, and hope like hell that you come out alive.

How do I fight them? What do I fight them with? How can I run or hide when there’s nowhere to go? When they invade my mind and body, how can I get away? How can I beat them? What happened to my tools? Why aren’t they working? What happened to my supporters? Why aren’t they here with me? I’m outnumbered and unarmed. How can I survive this? 

I hesitate to say that it’s a win or lose situation because I don’t want to undermine the effort, strength, and bravery that some of us show when faced with those monsters. 

Sadly some don’t. It’s the unfortunate part of the mental health struggle that some of us don’t make it out alive. And it’s nothing they did wrong or that they weren’t strong enough. It’s just the way it goes with mental health, some of us don’t leave the room alive. 

For the most part we usually come out of the room bruised, battered, and beaten; even very near death. It can be a close call at times. It can be a close call a lot. And on rare occasions we actually walk out completely unscathed. 

I hope that anyone fighting makes it through. And relatively unscathed. Cuz it IS a battle. For me, I am battle weary and hope the war ends soon.

*TW* Struggling

Since I am just going to post whatever for now I decided to try and “talk” out what I am currently struggling with. I don’t know if it’s depression because I’m not feeling as dark and stay-in-bed-until-the-end-of-time as I would when my depression gets bad. I guess it could just be a milder form of depression.

I can tell you for sure that anxiety is on the agenda. Big time. This week in particular anxiety has been kicking my ass. So much so that I went on the hunt around my home for the med Lorazepam to try and help calm me down. And then when I finally ransacked every bag I’ve used in the last year, and finally found the bottle only to discover it empty, I just sat down and cried.

Nothing was working. Nothing.

All the skills I’ve come to learn and have mostly been effective when I’m struggling with anxiety were useless. They didn’t even make a dent in my anxiety. Frankly I’m shocked I even remembered them (a testament to how effective practicing them can be but I digress…), but not matter what I tried, it didn’t work. It made me feel like I was losing my mind. It made me want to die.

The weather is not helping me because it’s either been way too cold, minus 40 on one day, or there’s been two feet of snow (not cleared, thank you very much sidewalk clearing people), or freezing rain, turning the sidewalks into long ice rinks. I’m not totally sure I would have gone out, or that I could have gotten past my anxiety to get out, but I like knowing the option is there. And having it taken away makes me feel even more trapped.

I’m trying to be patient and kind with myself and at times, I am. Other times it makes me feel like standing on a ledge. And that’s the other thing. I’m having suicidal thoughts. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in months and having them come screaming back to me is not something I am liking, nor am I prepared for it.

I know a lot has been going on the last several weeks that unfortunately could not be avoided. Except it all has totally derailed me. It derailed me from plans I had, things I was starting, self-care that was finally starting to take hold, and feeling a little better. And then WHAM! Everything came to a halt.

I don’t blame what happened per se, that’s life. And unfortunately life takes you by surprise sometimes. Sometimes it slaps you in the face. The key is to handle it the best way I can, utilize the tools and support that I do have, try to keep the self-care a priority, and be patient and kind to myself while it happens. Cuz I’m getting nowhere fast if I just constantly berate and abuse myself. Learned that the hard way.

So my problem is, I am struggling to get back on track. I feel hopeless and useless and worthless and at the mercy of whatever crap and abuse life decides to throw at me. I feel like I am totally alone, I don’t matter to anyone and it would probably be best if I wasn’t here.

Last night I thought about harming myself. Like I used to. And with the hopes that maybe it would quiet the suicidal thinking. I didn’t. I don’t know why. I really wanted to. For whatever reason, I didn’t. I’d like to say I’m proud of not harming myself but I’m not. It is what it is. I got through last night. Will I be as lucky tonight?

Creating a Distress Tolerance Kit

As anyone who struggles with anxiety, overwhelming thoughts, and overwhelming emotions, and panic attacks knows, there are many times when it feels like the mind has gone bye-bye and has taken logical, helpful thinking with it. In moments of distress, regardless of what triggered them, it can feel like torture. It can feel like the whole world is falling apart, that nothing is safe, and it’s very possible that you might die.

These feelings and thoughts can be paralyzing. I have a very hard time thinking clearly and being able to cope, self-soothe, or distract, can be challenging.

There are some days where I can use “Cope Ahead” from DBT to try and reduce the anxiety by preparing ahead of certain situations where my anxiety or a panic attack can be triggered. Some days though, coping ahead isn’t as effective as I would like it to be, or I didn’t think the anxiety would be so bad so I didn’t cope ahead at all. And some days the anxiety or panic attack hits with no reason or warning at all.

In order to try and reduce my anxiety, no matter where I am, I created a portable distress tolerance kit. It’s small enough I can carry it in my bag so I have it with me pretty much all of the time. At any given time I know where it is. In fact, I have even created a second kit with most of the same items to put in the other bag I use, just in case I forget to take the first one when I switch using bags.

I highly recommend creating a distress tolerance kit for yourself for when anxiety hits, and keeping it somewhere that you can easily get to it when needed, even carrying it with you for when anxiety hits while on the go. Create several kits if you need them and keep them any- and everywhere you may need to use it. Create one for at home, in your car, at work, in your bag, and even at a family or friends place. If you trust them to tell them what it is and what it’s for, of course.

Creating yourself a kit is super easy and can be low-cost too. I created mine by going to the dollar store and altogether I spent less than $20. There are tons of options that can be used for a distress tolerance kit.

Starting with the pouch, which can be any size and basically anything that can hold your little toys or puzzles or whatever. I found my little red pouch in the craft section of the dollar store. Really anything purse or pouch-like can be used. It all depends on how portable you need it to be and how many items you want to carry. You could use a little purse, a coin/change purse, a pencil case, even a sealable sandwich bag could work. If you keep a kit at home, find a pretty box or container you can use to hold your items. Be creative and check toy stores, dollar stores, clearance sections, housewares, crafts and stationary sections too.

As for the items to go into the kit, it is entirely up to you and your needs. Be creative and whenever you find something that helps you, no matter what it is, add it to the kit. Toy sections are an incredibly rich source for little toys and gadgets you can fidget or play with. Even the baby section can have a great selection of items that you can use to soothe or distract you when feeling anxious. Google ideas, too.

This is my distress tolerance kit, and what is included:
– small drawstring pouch
– mini slinky toy
– two small pointy toys
– squishy ball
– silly putty
– small soft mitten

This is the small drawstring pouch

This is the squishy ball (it’s rubber with water inside, and please ignore the fuzzy stuff that got stuck to it, it’s from the inside of the bag)

This is my mini slinky

These are my two pointy toys that I like to fidget with

This is my silly putty (store inside its egg to keep soft)

This is my mitten (it was, of course, a pair of baby mittens, I like to fidget with them because they are so soft)

This is a mini wooden puzzle. (I got this from a Toy Store called Masterminds. I like to fidget with this when I need something more challenging for my mind than just a pointy toy. But apparently, my skill level does not allow me to figure this stupid thing out so I don’t use it a lot.)

This is a mini Rubik’s cube

This is a mini Word Search book

I got all of these items, except for the wooden puzzle, at a dollar store. The wooden puzzle I got from a toy store called Masterminds. And like I said above, the whole kit, including the toy from the toy store, cost me about $20.

These are just some examples that you can use but whatever you find helps distract you and cope could be totally different. I recommend keeping the items small so you can carry them with you, if needed. Sometimes when I’m going out and I’m not carrying a bag I’ll just take the silly putty with me so if I need to fidget I have it on me.

Just remember whatever items you use are what will help you when you need it. It doesn’t matter if they don’t make sense or are not things that right off the bat seem like they will help. If fidgeting with a pencil helps you, then carry a pencil. If you like the way a fluffy little toy feels and helps to soothe you, then get the toy. If fidgeting with a bottle cap helps, then keep a bottle cap on you. It’s you and your needs you’re looking after.

I also have a rock that I like to fidget with and helps me do observe and describe, so yes, I have a rock in my pocket too.

Remember that whatever you decide to use, whether on their own, or collectively as a kit, should be accessible for when you need them. This means keeping them where you can find them and being able to use them because if you’re experiencing high anxiety or panic attack, you most likely won’t be thinking very clearly, so seeing and accessing the items should be easy and fast.

I add and take away items as needed too, so feel free to explore what helps you and rotate or replace items as you need it. You may be in a panic attack when you discover something that didn’t work, try and think to that moment and how you can have something else on hand to help you the next time. I thought a word search book would work for me but one day it didn’t I preferred something I could just fidget with, and so I discovered the silly putty helped.

Having a distress tolerance kit has helped me on many occasions. I do still have anxiety and panic attacks, and a few times I forgot I had the stuff, so it’s not foolproof nor will it totally take the anxiety away. I wish. It does help though. A lot. My anxiety has been reduced by having toys to fidget with, and I have avoided several panic attacks because of them too. Having several items can also help for days when your never know what can help. Sometimes I’m positive the slinky will help but it doesn’t, the toy helps, and other times the toy doesn’t help but the silly putty does.

Sometimes just knowing I have stuff with me can help.

I highly recommend taking the time, as much as needed, and creating your own distress tolerance (anxiety/panic attack) kit. And when you can, don’t leave home without it!

Good luck!

Change: Those Who Do and Those Who Don’t

Why do I keep trying? Time after time, year after year, I keep trying. Why? What for? What am I really getting out of it? Anything? Change is hard. Really, really, really, super hard. It’s almost near impossible at times. And despite how hard it is to change, I still try. Why? This got me thinking about why I keep trying for something that is so hard and has no guarantee of success. It also got me thinking about why some people don’t change, or even try.

I can only speculate why others don’t change, or try. So speaking for myself, the simplest answer I can give as to why I keep trying to change myself is, I am not okay with the alternative.

The alternative, if I don’t make changes and everything stays the same, means I stay miserable and in pain and in some very dark places. It means having dark, disordered thoughts. It means having my emotions overwhelm me. It means having no energy and no motivation. It means feeling alone and terrified. It means feeling trapped and paralyzed. It means keeping toxic people in my life. It means hating myself. It means being completely closed off from everything. And it means sometimes wanting to take my own life.

And for me, that is not okay. Frankly, it’s unacceptable. I don’t want any part of that. It’s an awful place to be and an awful feeling to have. It’s barely an existence let alone a life, and I want more. I want better. I want to be okay. And unfortunately, the only way to get there is to change.

It’s not always a noble cause. Sometimes I try to change because I think it’s what I should do. Sometimes I try to change because I think it’s what others want. Sometimes I even try to change because I just don’t know what else to do. Mostly though, I do it for me, because like I said, the alternative, to me, is much, much worse than what goes into changing.

Change isn’t for everybody. Some people are so afraid of it that they don’t even consider it. It’s just too much. I can appreciate that fear. Change can mean losing your home, your family, your friends, and everything you’ve known. How can that not scare a person? We’re often blindsided by big changes that we have no control over, and they can be overwhelming and painful. Real change is super hard. Especially when it involves thoughts and behaviours that are so ingrained in us they feel as though they are permanent. It takes loads of time and a lot of effort to change.

Which leads me to why I think some people don’t change. Or try. They just live in their darkness and struggle trying to make it through the day. They live with their disordered thinking and false beliefs without trying to learn their truth. And I have to admit, this baffles me. Why would people want to live like this? Why would anyone want to stay like this? Why wouldn’t people want to change? Why would anyone want to stay in such a miserable, awful, painful place of mental illness? It doesn’t make sense to me.

And therein lies the first problem to this judgmental thinking. Trying to make sense of it. Trying to apply any logic to ourselves, our thoughts, our emotions, or our behaviours, especially when they are disordered and dysfunctional, can be a frustrating and fruitless endeavour, and it may or may not help. The second problem is, just because someone lives day-to-day just trying to make it through, doesn’t mean they want to live like this. And the last problem is, a lot of people do want to change, but it’s scary and hard to change, and that can definitely be enough to stay our hand.

The days when I find change is just as hard as you think it is, and efforts that I have made to change are playing hide and seek with me, I am reminded of why someone might not want to change. When I think of the resistance, and in some cases the avoidance, of wanting to change, I think of my mom. The queen of no change. As far as I’m concerned anyway.

She not only didn’t try to change, she never gave an inkling of indication that she ever wanted to. Here’s where a lot of my judgment comes in. Because I believe she had to know things weren’t right. She was smarter than she gave herself credit for, she had to feel that something wasn’t right. Why on earth would she want to stay in her mind as it is? Swarming with low self-esteem, horrific lies about her worth, and trauma that she never was able to process, and she chooses to stay there? Why?

These are all assumptions on my part. Only my mom knows what she knows. Maybe she did know she could change, maybe she didn’t. Maybe she was too afraid of it, or maybe she felt she didn’t deserve it. I can certainly relate to either of those beliefs.

In my moments of compassion, empathy and understanding I am able to realize that change is terrifying and change is hard and no matter what some might say, wanting to change is not enough. Efforts to change can go on for years and even then there is no guarantee that things will get better. Change can mean digging very deep into memories and emotions that can be extremely painful.

Digging deep can mean seeing things in a harsh perspective that we might not be ready for or want to see. There may be some truths that we don’t want to know. There may be some lies we that don’t want to challenge. Digging deep can change how we see people and question our relationship with them. Digging deep can even change how we see ourselves. And this can mean making changes to our life that scare us and we might not be ready for it because it may mean leaving someone or removing them from our life, and this can be very hard. It can even feel like we can’t. We may not even be sure if we want to. It’s a tough situation. And to everyone it’s personal.

Despite how awful and painful mental illness can be it’s familiar. And we take comfort in the familiar. We like routine even if the routine is hurting us. It’s just something we do. You can try to pick apart why but I don’t recommend it.

For some people change is just not in the cards. For some, they will choose willingly not to change. They just don’t, or won’t, want to go there. It’s just too scary. For some, they may want to change, badly, but the fear is just too great. For some, change is the only way, no matter how much it may hurt.

I try to remember that change isn’t for everybody and what someone else is willing to face is really up to them. For me I keep trying and hope like hell it happens. To be honest, I have come a long way from where I was, and some things have changed so it makes me want to keep trying and keep changing. It tells me that more change, and for the better, is possible.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why some people don’t even try to make things better. I guess that’s not really my call. I can only take care of me and hope for the best even if it means making changes that hurt. And I will try to keep having patience and understanding for those who don’t, or won’t, and hope for the best for them as well. It’s really all I can do.