Struggling with relapse is hard. Even when you’re on your way out of it. It’s a fine balance between getting back to functioning and going back into the dark hole of depression. They both hold something good. The hole is familiar and easy to hide in. But getting back to functioning means not feeling so low I can reach up and touch the bottom. It’s between darkness and familiarity and feeling better with work. It may seem like a no-brainer but it’s not. It’s actually a hard choice.
Working back to functioning is hard work and it means a lot of effort and awareness to things I’d rather stay numb and oblivious to. I know that the greater good is what I’m working towards. Having fun, living life, laughing, and participating, instead of burying, hiding, avoiding, and dissociating. It means having purpose and feeling better, thinking more clearly, and maybe even having some fun.
It’s a worthwhile journey. But this time I am unsure. I am not feeling as confident about things. I have started this journey before. I have worked my way back several times already. I have somehow managed to find my way back. Whereas I can say it was worth it, with each time I find myself having to work my way back, it gets harder and harder and takes longer. And I can’t help but wonder if it really is worth it. If I most likely will find myself in relapse again then why try to come back in the first place? Why not stay in this darker place? At least this way the fall back the next time won’t be as far.
It feels like a destiny of punishment. It feels like being knocked back down just when I finally managed to stand. Do I try again? Do I put myself again through the hard work and hard moments to come back? I’m honestly not sure. I feel jaded and cynical. I feel like I’ll just find myself back down in the darkness again and everything I did to come out of the darkness will be for nothing.
Finding hope right now is hard. Whatever happens I just hope I’ll be okay. I’m really tired of feeling kicked while I’m down.