Right now I am stuck. I dread the day and I dread the night. I’m used to one or the other offering me some reprieve but right now I have none.
I hate what the day offers. This wide open expanse to produce and accomplish and I don’t really do either. I have yet to produce or accomplish more than becoming vertical. I do try so I give myself credit for that. I am close to camping out on my couch and leaving the world behind but I haven’t gone to the dark side yet.
Typically the night is bittersweet for me because if I can’t get to sleep then I will lie awake while the demons of my mind crawl out and take me over until, if it does happen, I fall asleep.
The night demons are relentless bastards who tell me everything I don’t want to hear, and convince of all the bad stuff that I am and then they just leave me like a dying carcass waiting to return to the earth. The reprieve from the demons either comes with daybreak or sleep.
But even my sleep is messing with me. I can fall asleep for the most part but I don’t stay asleep. My dreams disturb me awake or for whatever reason I just wake up, once, twice, maybe three times a night.
The dawn of a new day fills me with dread that I will fail and crash and burn before the day is out. And the creep of night fills me with dread that some demon or Dream will take me over and take me down before I have a chance.
The downside to this? I only have two choices, day or night, and neither are working for me right now. I’m enlisting the support of my DBT therapist, “Grace”, because I’m tired. And before this gets bad I need help.
Wish me luck.