The biggest issue I struggle with having BPD is abandonment. Whether real or perceived, if I feel abandoned then I feel hopeless and alone and that no one will ever be there for me again, today and forever.
The perceived one is hard because I can’t always tell if people really are abandoning me or if that’s just what I think they are doing. But when they are not there, when they know that things aren’t well, and they are not there, for whatever reason, then as far as I’m concerned you have just abandoned me.
I understand, mostly in retrospect, that that was just what I perceived, because delayed responses or no contact doesn’t mean someone is saying I’m avoiding talking to her. It could be she seems okay so I don’t need to reach out, or maybe there’s other stuff going on. All I know is I am here alone, and for the immediate vicinity of myself, I am going to remain alone. Translated to, I have been abandoned.
I wish I had the strength to know the difference because the real abandonment, when I reach out and no one is there, or when they know they should stay, or text, or call, and don’t, abandoned.
I wish I had the strength to reach out more than I do but I’m not chancing that you won’t be there and then I’ll be abandoned again.
This week of all weeks I needed, I need, people to be there for me. This week I need my so-called loved ones to step up and go above and beyond, and so far I am still alone.
They want to know why I don’t reach out. Because I’m not strong enough to be left alone.