I am terrified. I know that life has no guarantees and I hate it. I’m going to say the thing that most people won’t. I don’t care that life just is what it is. I don’t care that life just doesn’t work that way. I don’t care that life isn’t fair. I don’t care that life treats everyone like crap. I want guarantees. I want life to work the way I want it to work. I want life to be fair. I want life to treat me kindly. I want life to care what happens to me and makes sure that I don’t get hurt. I don’t care that that is a utopian goal that will never happen. I still want it.
I’m not asking for fame, or glory, or money, although the last one would be a huge help to making things better but in all honesty it’s really not mandatory.
I just want to be able to know that someone I talk to in this hour is going to still be in conversation with me until it naturally ends. I want to know that when someone says I’ll be right back that they come right back. I want to know when someone says they’ll call me that they call me. I don’t want to wait weeks, or months, or years, for someone to catch up. I want to know that someone who says they will be there will be there. I want to know when someone says talk to me anytime that they are there when anytime arises. I want to know that when someone cares they actually care. I want to know when someone says they like me and they enjoy spending time with me that they show me they like me by spending time with me. I want to know that I am remembered despite not being right in front of a person. I want to know that everything will be okay, and that it actually is okay.
I hate that life throws curveballs at me. I hate that life in one year is nowhere near the same in the next year. I hate that the start of the year, January 1st will have a completely different outlook 364 days later on December 31st. I hate that things change. I hate that people leave. I hate that people lie. I hate that people betray. I hate that people are mean. I hate that people who say they will be there are not there. I hate the pain that comes with the loss of something or someone important. I don’t want to grieve my losses, I want them here, all of them. I hate that dreams never come true. I hate that life always wins.
I don’t want 24 hours to change my world and turn it upside down. I hate that life doesn’t care who it hurts and what it takes away. I hate that people let me down and disappoint me. I hate that I am not memorable enough to be everyone’s favourite. Or at least favourite to a few people.
I hate what life takes from me. I hate that people I thought would always be here are not here anymore. Mostly I hate the pain of losing what matters to me. Regardless if it’s a person, a treasure, a moment, an opportunity, or a dream. At some point everything leaves or dies. And all that is left behind is the loss and the pain. The sharp pain that jabs my heart whenever I think of them. The sharp pain that pierces me so deep I wonder if this time it may break me. The pain that leaves me breathless. The pain of losing everything.
I just want to know that it will be okay. I just want to know that I will be okay.