From the Outside

There are times when I feel that I don’t belong. I feel that I am on the outside of everything and I am by myself. And it’s no one else’s fault but my own. I take full responsibility for the lack of contribution, the lack of effort, and the repeated moments of self-imposed exclusion.

I’d like to say that it’s all because I have a hard time connecting with people but that’s not the whole reason. I do have a hard time connecting with people and letting people in, even if it’s just for a bit. I am terrified of being hurt, but I am also terrified of being thought a fraud, or a bore, or a bitch. Especially a bitch. Unfortunately this leads to me coming across as a bitch so it’s kind of a vicious circle.

I believe with such ferocity that people will not like me, on any level, that I shut myself off and away from most people, almost right from the moment I meet them. If certain circumstances are in play then I might warm up to someone and start talking but it’s very rare, and usually never goes beyond the initial meeting and conversation. I desperately want to be liked but somehow I hold even tighter the belief that no matter what I do, or what I say, no one will like me.

I believe that there is nothing redeemable about me. I believe that I am destined for a life spent trying to catch up and constantly being left behind. There are some in my life who I question why they are still here, or why they have stuck around. I feel on the outside even with them and I don’t know how to explain it, to them or to myself.

I feel like I am always just on the outside looking in to a place I want so badly to be a part of but somehow I always miss the door to get in. It’s most likely me shutting the door but it still hurts like hell to be standing on the other side all alone. I wonder if I will ever get in and stay in.

Will I ever feel welcomed? Will I ever feel like I belong?

Right now I hold myself accountable for all the things that I should have done and should be doing that I am not. I have no one to blame but myself. Sometimes when I’m looking on from the outside, I think, what have I done to deserve this? What makes me think I deserve this? What makes me think that it can be this good and stay that way?

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think I do deserve it. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow because I often bury my head in denial and dissociation. It often happens automatically, but when it’s not automatic, I am choosing not to deal with what needs to be done. I feel extremely ashamed of this behaviour because it seems childish and self-serving. And in a lot of ways, really,  it’s just mean.

I wish I wasn’t the person that I am. I wish I was better. I wish I did better. I wish that I was as kind and compassionate as a person is supposed to be. I wish I was responsible as an adult should be. I wish I could change but I’m not sure I can. I’m not even sure I want to, that’s the worst part, and only further confirms my belief that I should be on the outside. That I don’t deserve to be on the inside.

Only the good belong on the inside and I’m not good.

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