The BPD Wall

What truly amazes me is how fast BPD can turn on me. I’ll be going about my day, doing the best that I can to keep things functioning and relatively cool, and WHAM! the BPD wall comes out of nowhere and I end up face first plastered to it.

It’s frustrating. It’s hard. It’s overwhelming. And it’s exhausting.

It just comes up, with no warning, and stops me in my tracks. No cushioning. No safety net. Just wall. Hard, unmoving brick and cement wall that leaves me bruised and battered.

This is what I feel right now. I was doing so well and now I’m suddenly not. I know that that’s the disorder but it still somehow manages to catch me off guard. Especially if I’m doing well at the start of the day and literally by the end of it I am curled on the couch praying for solitude and darkness. Somehow it feels safer this way. I try to hold it off as long as I can in the hopes that it will pass and I’ll be okay but that very rarely seems to work anymore. It’s like my mind is telling me ‘we’re not falling for that anymore’. So I’m almost forced to ride it out and hope for the best.

DBT is somewhat helpful actually so to anyone whose wondering if it’s worth it I would still tell them yes. I’m hoping I can get myself back to a place where I can at least try the DBT stuff again but for now I’m struggling and I don’t know how to get back yet. I wish this feeling didn’t leave me feeling so alone and lonely. It’s so hard to try and explain to others what’s wrong when I’m having a hard time seeing any of it, and I have no idea what’s wrong.

It feels a little bit like everything is wrong right now. Absolutely everything. I feel alone, and tired, and stuck. It seems like a no-brainer to ask for help but I can’t seem to do it. I don’t know how to ask for help. This is something my DBT coach and I are working on. But it takes time. I feel like crying all the time and I don’t know why. I feel abandoned and misunderstood. I feel like this will always feel this way and I will never feel right again.

I worry that it will get bad but sometimes I feel like that’s okay. Not because it’s going to be okay but because it feels like relief from all the thoughts and emotions I feel bombarded by and can’t seem to sort out.

Sometimes I wish that someone would come and sit by me and lean back towards me and ask, ‘hey are you okay?’ and then they’ll just sit there with me and just let me talk, for as long as I need to. But then I think, first of all, that will never happen cuz that’s a movie-type moment and real life doesn’t have those, and second, what would I even say if I just talked and talked? A lot of nonsense I’m sure. A lot of stuff that has no real cohesion to anything else and at times even on its own will not make sense. So I’ll end up sounding like a blabbering crazy woman who needs professional help. Except, I have professional help, and thus far it hasn’t pulled me out of this. I’m assuming it’s because I have to do that myself. Yay, independence and self-realization. But I’m not sure that I can, or that I even want to right now.

And so I remain, stuck and alone, and hoping it will get better soon. Maybe.

I hope the sky isn’t cloudy tonight.

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