The last couple of weeks I have been struggling. I have turned to my destructive habits and tried to squash everything I was feeling, and quiet all of my noisy, bad thoughts. For the most part, this has been extremely successful. As it normally is. The bad stuff is so good at what it does. It’s so good at squashing all the emotions I feel overwhelmed by, and it’s extremely good at distracting me from the bombardment of negative thoughts that take me over, and take me down to a very lonely, dark place where despite how bad it is, I still feel somewhat comforted.
I know that it’s the familiarity that comforts me. Well, I mean, my Wise Mind knows this. My emotional mind would argue that the familiarity is an effective mood quasher and thought silencer that allows me to function. Sort of.
My Wise Mind believes that my Emotion Mind is not thinking clearly. And if I was in Wise Mind I would have to agree. But I’m not. I’m on Emotion Mind’s side and believe that Wise Mind is not giving the familiar stuff a fair chance.
I feel very low, very helpless, and very hopeless. My world is shrinking day by day to a very small circle of one and a place where I only consider the bad things to help me when the emotions become too much. There’s a part of me that’s okay with this. Every day that I stay in this world of one I get farther and farther away from almost everything that doesn’t serve to keep me numb and isolated. It’s hard to want to be better when your mood is low.
I’ve been stuck in this spot long enough now that the skills are not even on my radar. I have barely thought of them let alone applied them. If I didn’t have weekly appointments and lessons I highly doubt I would think of them at all. And my attendance, though uninterrupted thus far, has been barely for decorative purposes the last couple of weeks. I haven’t done any of the homework assigned, and I’ve even managed to stay mostly silent while in group. Not so much in my individual sessions though. Kind of hard to be silent when there are only two of you, and she’s asking you questions.
Despite my lack of enthusiasm for DBT of late, I actually was looking forward to my individual session this past week. I’ve now been low enough long enough that it’s affecting what I do or don’t do during the day. And it all mostly falls under what I’m not doing. But because ther are still slivers of the “not-so-low me” hanging around and that me wants to find a way out of this. The proper way. There are slivers of the me that wants out of this mood, and wants a bigger circle than just me, myself and I. That me is getting quieter and quieter with each passing day, and each time I do the bad things that help me avoid feeling or thinking anything.
I hate what my thoughts do to me. I hate that I feel worthless and useless. I hate that I feel helpless and hopeless. I hate that I feel alone and lonely. I hate that I feel like a nobody and I often wonder why I’m even here. I hate thinking. I hate thinking these thoughts. I hate that I believe them to be true.
In my individual session my DBT coach challenged these thoughts, and if they are true. At first, this felt like a lost cause for her because I was pretty sure they were. But she really challenged them. She challenged them enough that I not only started to doubt it myself, but I also caught a glimpse of being able to actually handle my thoughts and being able to challenge these so-called “truths” myself. It was an odd feeling. Very odd. Too odd, in fact. And that night I did the bad thing instead, I was scared of this odd feeling and what it could mean, so I squashed it.
Probably not what my DBT coach had in mind, but I couldn’t help it.
I feel very lost. I’m not sure if I want out of this. I am so tired. I’m tired of the bad thoughts. I’m tired of the bad things. And I’m tired of the cycle that picks me up and drops me down, over and over again.
Is it better to just stay here? Maybe. Maybe staying low is better. You can’t be dropped when you’re already at the bottom.