I realize this is actually an oxymoron or whatever they’re called because panic attacks rarely give much warning.
I was minding my own business, writing up my next post, when suddenly I felt the need to run. Run far. Run fast. Now. I felt like everyone in the library was watching me and judging me. That they knew what I was thinking and they thought I was an idiot. I felt like everyone was judging me. Watching my thoughts and thinking “my god this girl is awful”. When I looked around people’s eyes were lowered or distracted by computers or books but it felt like they only just averted their gaze and the minute I looked away they would stare at me again.
I felt my heart pounding and I wondered for a moment if I stood up right now would I pass out. Oh god no. Please don’t let that happen. I couldn’t handle people seeing me hit the floor. And then the librarians will probably call an ambulance. And I’ll have to be taken to the nearest hospital to be checked and I know they will find nothing. Because that’s how this goes. That’s how this will play out. I know it. I’ve been there. And I will feel like an ass having taken up people’s time and the city’s resources. And for what?
I look around me to see if I can leave with the minimal amount of people seeing me but no. I can’t. Because where I am and where the exit is, is right in front of everyone.
Oh god. Everyone…
I know this is a panic attack. And I need to remember that.
Oh, and breathe.
I seem to forget how to breathe when this happens. I don’t know what I’m holding my breath for but I feel the need to hold it. Like it will protect me from harm. If I hold my breath then the world will not move until I say so and let my breath out. I know this is nonsense but I believe it nonetheless. The worst part is the holding of my breath makes me far more susceptible to actually passing out than a panic attack would. But I hold it anyway.
I want to go hide in a hole with cakes and donuts to sustain me.
Time to go.